A rooftop lets me get drowned in the perfect blue sky, embrace the soothing wind and wander into the abyss without anyone staring or listening. I stand with my arms spread and pretend I'm on the edge of a cliff where all I could trace is the outline of the mountains and trees that seemed close enough to reach. I look up, loving the view because all I could see is the clouds afloat, birds enjoying their freedom from the earth and the infinite strokes and colors trying to play a new hue. I watch as everything changes before my eyes.

Monday

I’m losing myself. I’m failing, lost in the grey area, where few people tend to notice. I’m torn between changing myself to fit in to a new kind of place and trying to prove some worth. I can’t seem to be able to do both. My long journey home triggered the black hole that keeps sucking every positive thought that I could muster.

Jan30,2012

Best feeling so far

I just made it through a code simulation alive! It was packed with a good dose of adrenaline that triggered the sympathetic in my system that wasn’t much used for a long time.

The code simulation was much like what you get to see in the series of Grey’s Anatomy where a patient goes cardiac arrest, the cardiac monitor beeps furiously and the code team rushes in and tries to revive the patient to normal.

The feeling was amazing! Even if it was just a simulation, there was time pressure and I needed to familiarize myself with algorithms and ECG tracings and the medicine needed based on what heart rhythm the patient is giving. It was a huge challenge on my part since it was my first time and I’ve never actually seen such situation face to face. Now I am looking at it, and it brought chills in me, actually scared me a little, but yet it was some kind of opportunity to learn and do something new.

My bloopers, though awkward in many levels, keep repeating in my head and I vowed to never do them again. It was hilarious that during my turn as the one to give ventilation, I couldn’t figure out what to do with the things brought out in front of me. The bag-valve-mask was some sort of alien gadget that I attached the parts wrong with my hands shaking. Looking back at it makes me laugh because I must have looked really stupid but I did it anyway. (haha)

So going through, when it was then my turn as a Team Leader, I thought it was the best part. I actually want to do it again. The team leader was the one who analyzes the cardiac monitor whether the patient is having supraventricular tachycardia, ventricular fibrillation, or maybe going through an asystole. These are big words and I love to say them. After correctly stating what kind of heart rhythm the patient is having, I quickly make a decision to assess if the patient has a pulse (the dummy patient actually makes a pulse!) and note if it is stable. Then I go through telling my team if the patient needs to be defibrillated or given a dose of Epinephrine or Adenosine or Atropine. (I’m starting to love the medicines too.) I even get to try intubating the pretend-patient, which I haven’t ever done before (thus the shaking hands).

When the whole thing was done, I couldn’t stop smiling. One because I passed the simulation in one try. Second, because all my team members also passed. All our efforts of practice actually paid off. And by the end of the day, the same team actually won as 3rd best ACLS team!

Until now, I feel really glad! I want to feel again the same thing I felt in the simulation room. And maybe I will if I get myself stationed in the Emergency Room or in the ICU. Maybe I’ll even get to save a life and not just AmbuMan(my first pretend-patient). But for now, I’m just going to wait and see what will come.

untitled

traces of you
form the lines and scent
of the beginning and an end
a hint of your smile
strums the beat of a heart
where the wind doesn’t make
reasons for you to ask
and the colors of the sky
remains a perfect art
remember the time when
I sat next to you and listened
as you were spilling words
wandering how people are what they are
while you created stories and poetry
and grinning through your ears
I said something
and you laughed

The Trail

Letters sprawled across the road
Like crumbs of bread still untouched
It contains dreams and endless thoughts
And wishful clouds that could float
It has drawings of a sunset bay
And laughter in a familiar place
It holds prayers in several scrawls
Holding distinct characters in made up plays
I looked back and stopped my tracks
And gazed how it leads towards my feet
And if I strain to look far back
I cannot see the other end where I start
Now I’m holding my words and yours
Even if pieces of it lay on the road
Its parts are waiting for you to find
Speaking to you among its lines
But you must have found a new trail
Or you can’t find my way
Because the trail seems too far behind
And has its end already gone

Musings

The people around me have spoken. They speak of wisdom that goes along the lines of commitment to a person they believe would be their person forever. They tell stories, rarely heard by my keen ears, where happiness and loneliness collide, overcome trials are called success, and the mere thought of having a someone even if it is far away feels better than no one. A bunch of them hold on to these ties for they have lived with it. It taught them things I seem to have failed to learn. It is being committed to love.


I have not yet been lost or lead to such musings. Thus, I'm doubtful, wondering, questioning what. However, I am curious, and has this utter urge to venture on these like sailing in uncharted waters.


How do you define it? How do you set directions to find what you must seek and know if you've finally found what you are looking for? How can you know what envelopes it's entities when the only way you can answer all your questions is actually live in it?

How To Train An Introvert

I've been having a good time this week though it mostly is composed of didactic lectures and trying hard not to sleep in the middle of a speaker's speech.

But the other portion of the last few days was the best since I just met a whole bunch of people again and made new friends. They are of different kinds, ranging from the downright bubbly, to the another type of chatterbox, to the plain hyper.

Then, I have this unnerving fear of what is to come. Since I finally got myself in a hospital, they've flooded my head with various rules and regulations, policies and instructions, and some points I need to remember the moment I finally do my part.

Still, I feel really excited, looking forward for tomorrow because it's another day of new things to learn where there'd be nice people I'd be with through the whole thing. :)

spill

there is no start in what I want to say
because as I look at the sky and
gaze at its infinity and wander off
with the misty wind that
tends to hug every part of
me, I see the details of
the fine lines of ideas
and sparks and scraps of paper
torn and not, they lay
scattered on the cold floor
there saying something that
should have been spoken
yet still waiting to be unearthed
traces, just traces
of sweet summers
familiar laughter
meaningful glances
they were long gone
as the waves crashed upon
the tiny ebb of
warmth, it dims its flares
as I bleed into another
torn piece of paper
I can't start what I want to say

maj, why are you so quiet?

Do you know the famous pizza in Naples? I've heard a lot about it lately thanks to so much resources. Just thinking of how the thing looks makes my stomach churn, like in a way, when even if I'm not too hungry but having to think about it makes me hungry all over again. It must be one of the most beautiful food I have ever seen not just because it was in Italy. The one place where pasta must have come from, if I am right. Pasta there must also be really good. I've had this dream of making a pasta that tastes like the one's served there. I need to make one. But it's impossible since I haven't exactly tasted any of their pasta or the pizza. I'm right here just dreaming about it with no way of flying my way there or having the food fly towards me. The pizza must be really great with tons of people around the globe going there just to eat the perfect platter. The dough must have these secret ingredients that it tastes perfect than a mere dough. And the spices were carefully selected and sprinkled to bring out the richest taste we could savor. And the cheese, artfully melted all over the plate that it makes you crave it more with every single bite. All these not really the exact reason why I'm quiet. It's just because I'm chewing my food.

Taint

Standing right next to you
Is an old friend and all lost
Confused with the tainted world
Sick from flesh to bones
Resting a suffocating journey
He stands there staring
At the blank pictured faces
And broken records of a chord
You were watching yourself fall
Hurt like you’ve never been hurt
But breathing and breathing hard
You’re mind fails to rest
As much as you wanted to
For every blink of your eyes
You see a murky blot of a picture
A stained shirt and a broken wheel
But He was there all along
Protecting you on your way home
Standing right next to you

wala na ung former post. haha.

talking metaphors

Gaze upon the tallest tree
Look through its frame of view
Silently, it might whisper a hue
Falling leaves, sighing breeze
Do not look down on you
Gaze and dream the highest peak
High above its trunk and leaves
Its right over the top you may seek
Leave the forest floor
Trek the unknown once more
High above the trees
Wings were spread and seen
Wind flowed across the earth
Songs of woe were no more
High above the trees
Let us blend the sky and be free

realize that you need to feel the difficult part first before you feel the part where it has become easier

i feel like i'm in the pursuit of happiness
and i'm still on the part where I haven't reached it YET.

andami kong reklamo

mali ung title. mali naman.
naisip ko lang bigla, gusto ko lang sana magkaroon ng photographic memory kahit isa o dalawang buwan lang para magkaroon ng katuturan ang paghihirap ko kuno na di ko naman masabi kung paghihirap na ba ang matatawag dun kasi kadalasan naman sariling mental torture ang ginagawa ko.
hai. adik ba lahat ng tao? parang napadpad ako sa isang lugar na puro utak ang gumagana. ung tipong kelangan mo i-memorize lahat ng nakikita. wala nang isip-isip. basta isaksak mo na sa utak mo, okey ka na!
eh, di ko gawain un eh. bumalik nanaman ako sa simula.
ugh, tulungan mo ako. 
>_<

Come Away

Come away with me
Let us sail the uncharted waters
And watch the sea
Paint things
That cannot be seen
Come away with me
Let us walk the
Moss and grass of earth
Have the wind carry us
And feel perfect mirth
Let us trace our steps
Make one at a time
Look up high to the heavens
Make the trek worth a climb
Listen for hidden words of wisdom
Though walls may seem unkind
Because we will seek freedom
And define it for the blind
Come away
Come away with me
For there are far great things to see

New Year Notes

For the New Year, I vow to keep positive and happy thoughts, stop thinking too much and do something useful. I will do good by doing my best in what I am about to do. I wish to keep fit and eat healthy. Still, I desire to learn a new hobby I’ve never done yet. I will participate, listen and speak. I want to seek more places, share new things and write about it. I want to meet new people that will inspire me as I try to be an inspiration myself. I will learn a whole lot of new things. I pray that I conquer the next trials without going too much downhill. I hope to aim higher, dream more and keep my faith alive. Basically, I resolve to live better.