Somebody feels lost today

Deep in painted walls

Where there’s drawn memories

Songs and letters scrawled

i have this unnerving fear of not being able to fit anywhere because i can't explain if i'm happy, numb, or just annoyed. 6.21.12

The awesome research team!

Always moving forward and bounded by the same path.

Hope we get Best Thesis!

Go Group 3!

never tasted so sweet

take that one sip

let it glide within your soul

tingling your inner depths

blurring thoughts 

and creating a dark hole 

you realize, it wasn't that bad

now shout your cheers

watch the golden fluid

fill your glass full

then drink it all
until traces of it disappears

raw emptiness

may start to linger

and play with your throat

muster

to fill the glass

to fill it up again

and again
and again

until you can see yourself 

gleaming and smiling
golden and anew

it wasn't that bad

take big gulps

keep drinking the unknown

straight up so you wouldn't feel

what's left when its done

they wouldn't recognize you

when every drop

seems sweeter

seems better

than it used to

Dream Car

I attended this public speaking workshop recently thanks to one hospital (the one I’m waiting to get hired in) who never fails to give me surprises and anything you’d relate about trying to live. The last statement is something to figure out.

It was so much fun. I remembered when I was back in my high school, I’m part of speech and drama club then it became a speaker’s bureau. The speech and drama club loves to conduct speech and dramatic workshops in which I much enjoyed way back because of all its activities. So, having attended again in quite a familiar place made me glad. 

The speakers or must I say facilitators were very excellent especially the one guy who really stands out the moment he starts speaking. I was so amused with his manners of speaking, it lead me back to square one. I wished I was fluent and articulate in speaking like he does. 

One activity in the workshop was an individual impromptu-not extemporaneous as they claim-of a topic one has to pick from inside a bag of doom. Perfect.

Of all the topics I could have, I got a topic about a dream car. (read above) I stood in front, stiff and nerve-wracked. I had no idea what I’m supposed to say. What did I say?

I started my speech enumerating a few cars that I knew. (What am I saying?) Then asked the audience what i’m talking about. Then I greeted them a pleasant afternoon. Then I said my topic. After that, all hell breaks loose. I jumbled and mumbled, stammered and buckled all the things in my head. The only decent thing I must have said was, I needed a car that could take me anywhere. Then I ran to the back of the room and crawled under a chair. Kidding. 

Things I think I should have said:

What is my dream car?

For one, my dream car has to fit at least 8 people in it. Because I need to put all family members in it and a few friends and I can even include an extra person if there will be one. So it has to be a big one.  And the hood, or, what-do-they-call-it, the roof of the car can be modified to fall back so that I can enjoy the wind and the sky whenever I drive. Then it has to have huge wheels. The ones where you can drive over a terrain or a rocky road. It has to withstand those kinds of roads because I think that’s where I’m mostly going. Then it has to have speakers in it so I could play music whenever I’m stressed. And it has to have a tracking GPS device so I won’t get lost. It also has to have an unlimited internet connection in it so I could never loose connection with the world. The most important part of this car is that, I want it to be the one to take me to places I’ve never been to. I want it to take me where I've dreamed of wanting to see. I want it to be the one to show me the things I needed to learn. And I want all my favorite people to be in it. And these are the people that I’d never regret to travel with. :)

What I stammer in speech, I fluently speak when I write. >_<

Left

just heard you’re leaving
i just heard
from all other voices
and dire words written
i never knew
and they just tell me
you’re leaving
you should have left long ago
when ties weren’t that tight
and i don’t dream of bay walks
sunsets, leftovers and strolls at night
now i should feel i will lose you
that i’ll have nothing left
that i’ll stop looking at the sky
and stop writing random scrawls
but i just don’t think
neutral and numb
because i just heard you’re leaving
i never bothered to know
never thought i’d try to ask
you’ve left long ago
i never heard

i'm back and here's a random post

today, i’m officially 21 years old. I spent it with people that I was sure could keep me smiling the entire day. They were my dearest friends. 

I haven’t seen them for a long time because I got sent off to a far away stinky place. Being back spending a day with these people again brought me back to life. Never have I laughed so hard before for such a long time. Never sang the same songs over and over again as we take turns singing a korean happy birthday song (saengil chukha hamnida) because we kept giving each other last song syndrome.  I loved the freedom of this day. I loved the beach and the sky and everything else. I loved the food we resourcefully created. I loved the random laughter and conversations and our dreams. I love these people so much. :)

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

now now you're just somebody that i used to know

raves and rants

I'm a stubborn person. I just realized. How on earth am I supposed to achieve anything if I'm so stubborn? There exists an unwritten rule that says you can't be somebody if you are mediocre. You can't be somebody if you choose to not be a glittering achiever. You will remain unnoticed, growing mushrooms in a far corner, unless you step up and push your way just to prove your worth. I'm tired and stubborn. I'm tired of trying to prove my worth. I don't want to prove anything anymore. I can't define what it's worth. What do I have to prove on the first place? Why do I need to be somebody? Why? Just so I can have a place in the crowd? Just so some people would be happy? So that I could be happy? Happy, for a little while that is. What is wrong with me? I refuse to conform to unwritten rules against mediocrity unless my life depended on it. There, I said it. I'm trying to learn how to live. Let people claim their stands and trophies. Let them keep their head up so high. Let them walk amongst the corridors, exclaiming their shining robes of superiority. They deserve it. They deserve it well. They will keep me inspired until my stubborness gets defeated by unnerving regret.

>_<

Tomorrow and Graduation Day

Tomorrow was the same day of my graduation last year. The same day where I received my diploma, and made a bow before the crowd. The same where I thought the food, the fireworks and my family and friends were the only best thing.

That same fateful day triggered a new beginning of my life. It’s the part where I no longer qualify as college student but someone armed with new responsibilities and more strains or must I say strings of challenges to face. Someone you’d label as an adult, though without a job yet, but still. Its the moment when I get to sail in uncharted waters known as reality and try my hardest to push through its uncertainties and storms. That day, I was on my own, given the power to make life decisions which I haven’t had the slightest clue to what would resolve.

Tomorrow, to the oddest circumstances, is the same day where a group of uncertain people will deliberate whether or not I am fit to work for them. I’ve luckily made it through their exams. I’ve experienced being grilled in their panel interview and a series more where I made it through alive. Now, having passed the latter so far, I qualified for their 2-months of training. The same which I didn’t look at so seriously until I’ve waltzed through their objective exams and hand-on exams on skills I haven’t had a clue before. Then there’s the on-the-job-sort-of-exam itself where I get to practice my profession on an actual clinical area.  I admit I was rough around the edges, with everything blaring at my face—diagnostics, exams, charts, medications, time, patients, people telling me to remember this and that and I must move faster—I have no idea how I pulled through. I was scared for some reasons, since it's my first time to actually work but had this feeling of happiness whenever I get a job done. The last week, however, was the worst because I’ve never been humiliated so much. Mistake upon mistake, they fall from my grasp, and there were two staffs, who for the worst time, keeps distracting me in every moment they lay eyes on me, laughing at my mistakes and challenging my patience in whatever way. I swore, I would stop their mocking the next time I see them. They were actually one of my eye openers to something with regards to humans, telling me that some people aren’t nice in whatever way you strain to look at them. But looking back at the entire experience of the training, if I sum up every single thing I've been through, I am grateful and thankful that I learned something new.

I hope tomorrow all goes well. I choose to be a believer now. I have faith that I’ve done my best in the training. I pray that this faith I hold will give me a peek on something to look forward to for the coming days.

For some reason, March 30th seems symbolic for one ordinary day. It’s an anniversary of the day I was given excruciating freedom which I’m still trying to get used to. And tomorrow’s event is something to celebrate for with wavering news that might become the next best thing.

kwentong ICT

ngayon lang ako naasar ng todo sa buong talambuhay ko. ngaun lang ako napahiya, pinag-tawanan at pinagtripan. kahit ano man nangyari, kahit ano man ibato nilang pang-asar sa akin ng mga oras na iyon, ako’y pilit paring ngumingiti.  

seryoso. kung ka-level ko lang ang mga taon ninyo, o pag-iisip man lang, kung ituturing ko na kayong mga kaibigan, ipapakita ko sinyo kung gaano ka lupit ang sarkastikong-nilalang na natutulog sa aking kaibuturan. 

kung pwede lang humirit ng, “nakakakita na ba kayo ng lumilipad na chart na gawa sa bakal?” ako hindi pa eh. o, “naranasan nyo na bang mahiwa ang inyong tyan ng isang bandage scissor?” wala lang.

“hostile” na kung hostile! ano ba? kung pwede ko lang kayong sigawan, nagawa ko na. pero mahina pang armas yun. kung meron lamang akong kapangyarihan ni Bertong Badtrip, pinakawalan ko na. buti na lang may pumipigil saakin. 

magpasalamat na lamang kayo at nakangiti pa ako. 

“si maj, nakangiti na naman oh!” tengene..

rebirth

a blue flame blazed
lit with warmth for
a person who've grown cold
weary amongst the earth
he trekked and went
but the fire finally bent
when years passed
time never noticed
and it left him curled up
in a black pile of ashes

Traffic Jam

So calm and so composed, I rode my way through the chaotic traffic this morning. The jeep was moving too slowly and the cars are honking at every chance they get. And all the other vehicles are at their slowest pace I haven’t yet seen. Deep inside my intestines, I feel like I’m about to explode because I’m going to be late for the first time in the worst time.

There were three long roads I’d have to excruciatingly go through every time I go to work. The first one was the longest time I spent myself in because this time, it was unbelievably messed up with all kinds of vehicles skewed and blocking every space they could get into. The end result was me pleading and praying on every negative thought that I’d get to work in time. As the jeep I rode has finally made it on the next route, it was moderately slow, and that slight change in pace made me breathe a little bit easier. But as I looked at my watch, I actually have 10 minutes left. The third road was the part I felt like racing, begging for anything that I could teleport or run my way through.

I should have left the house earlier. I wish I wasn't asking to be a late too much. I wish my cousin didn't state that I was going to be late without enough justification because her words was ringing in my head the moment I left the house. I hope I've set my watch in advance mode or I do hope it's broken. I wish it wasn't Thursday. I wish all the other cars would shrink. I wish the jeep would go a wee bit faster!

As I got off the jeep, I ran all the way to the hospital gates, panting and trying to breathe, taking all positivity left of me while zooming towards the bundy clock. To my biggest dismay, I was 5 minutes late.

All was fairly well in the end.

the Brisk Walk

This day was the second day of my duty for our ICT training. The first day wasn’t much of a highlight because we just played as sponges observing all that’s currently happening in the tumultuous LMU and absorbing all the new information. Just so you know, LMU stands for La Milagrosa Unit. It’s the biggest unit in the hospital I’m currently in and also labeled as the most toxic area. Toxic, in nursing jargon, means you-will-never-have-a-chance-to-sit-down-on-yous-ass-because-there-will-always-be-too-much-things-to-do-so-don’t-forget-to-breathe.

For today, I didn’t just watch my senior do his stuff but I was to help him and accompany him to whatever he has to do. He was actually very good at what he was doing. I was overwhelmed with the pile of patient charts in front of him, and as he works through each of them, he makes specific calls to related departments either to ask about diagnostics or a need for reservation for the operating room. He zooms across the station getting the needed pile of documents while noting down doctor’s orders, while given a chance explains to me what he was trying to do, then noting things on the kardex and the charts. After much writing and discussing, he moves to prepare all the medicines for all his patients where he performs really quickly without any hesitations. Then he walks through the corridors of the huge unit, making it through each of the patients rooms accordingly  to give them their treatments, ask how the patients is, remind them if they need to fast for a surgery or they can’t void until they undergo a diagnostic procedure. These entire is not yet even the whole thing I went through.

The shift was a sprint. It was basically walking to and fro in the long halls of the hospital in a very fast pace and doing the tasks promptly like some sort of relay. I practically did the brisk walk a lot so as not to run in the hospital hallways making an impression that there’s someone coding. But whatever type of walking or pseudo-running I did, it resulted with ending up sleeping on my bed as soon as I get home and sleep-walking towards my confused cousin to whom I was half-consciously asking for food that didn't exist.

with all the fragmented movable entities tied to this tricky game I’m trying to play, designed to make one missed turn make a vast effect on the succeeding turns that will come, what can go wrong?

one particular valentine's day

I’ve been high-fived and spoken to by random people I don’t usually speak with. I can’t remember when was the last time I was in a place where almost every guy would high-five anybody when they think you both agree on something. What’s strange was I tend to have acquired this reflex that when they raise their hand, I instinctively do the same like some automatic response. Now, being around these different people doesn’t make me feel any tinge of any kind of new emotion anymore. Again, I can’t feel a thing, synonymous to almost being numb from everything, except being hungry and being randomly happy when someone attempts to do something funny. But if I take another look at this day, I remember the strongest emotion I felt was randomly talking about this new friend I met somewhere that made my stomach feel like there’s a knot inside. That was weird. For some reason, I feel like being friends with him don’t seem like a good idea but I still did. I need to figure this out.

today was grey

so the earth was spotted with murky puddles


and I settled walking under an umbrella
then stayed indoors and danced
took a new dose of laughter
drank coffee after a long time
and sang until I can't remember the lyrics

what love can’t cure

nights in crumpled sheets
she lie staring upon a screen
scattered with hushed glances
and thought out schemes


a song starts to spill the background
flocked with ringing keys
piano notes starts to linger
as she tries not to be teased


conversations now recurs
and his voice begins to play
of words said and meant
sprawled out on one fateful day


she remembers the blatant gaze
where his eyes never turned away
at chance he held her hands in his
and a distinct beat chose to stray


while she watched the screen evolve
lying once again in crumpled sheets
a trace of a familiar grin
starts to line across her cheeks


--majest, Feb5,2012 11:38PM

positivity+realism

tiny grains of
realizations wash over me
up to the ends of
my fingertips
as i grasp
and hold
and try to catch
every single detail
they slip right through
the gaps
now as i look around
they start to shine and sparkle
where i stood
waiting and watching
to what move i might do
i scoop the tiny things
gingerly now
and keep them safely
in my hands

 

A rooftop lets me get drowned in the perfect blue sky, embrace the soothing wind and wander into the abyss without anyone staring or listening. I stand with my arms spread and pretend I'm on the edge of a cliff where all I could trace is the outline of the mountains and trees that seemed close enough to reach. I look up, loving the view because all I could see is the clouds afloat, birds enjoying their freedom from the earth and the infinite strokes and colors trying to play a new hue. I watch as everything changes before my eyes.

Monday

I’m losing myself. I’m failing, lost in the grey area, where few people tend to notice. I’m torn between changing myself to fit in to a new kind of place and trying to prove some worth. I can’t seem to be able to do both. My long journey home triggered the black hole that keeps sucking every positive thought that I could muster.

Jan30,2012

Best feeling so far

I just made it through a code simulation alive! It was packed with a good dose of adrenaline that triggered the sympathetic in my system that wasn’t much used for a long time.

The code simulation was much like what you get to see in the series of Grey’s Anatomy where a patient goes cardiac arrest, the cardiac monitor beeps furiously and the code team rushes in and tries to revive the patient to normal.

The feeling was amazing! Even if it was just a simulation, there was time pressure and I needed to familiarize myself with algorithms and ECG tracings and the medicine needed based on what heart rhythm the patient is giving. It was a huge challenge on my part since it was my first time and I’ve never actually seen such situation face to face. Now I am looking at it, and it brought chills in me, actually scared me a little, but yet it was some kind of opportunity to learn and do something new.

My bloopers, though awkward in many levels, keep repeating in my head and I vowed to never do them again. It was hilarious that during my turn as the one to give ventilation, I couldn’t figure out what to do with the things brought out in front of me. The bag-valve-mask was some sort of alien gadget that I attached the parts wrong with my hands shaking. Looking back at it makes me laugh because I must have looked really stupid but I did it anyway. (haha)

So going through, when it was then my turn as a Team Leader, I thought it was the best part. I actually want to do it again. The team leader was the one who analyzes the cardiac monitor whether the patient is having supraventricular tachycardia, ventricular fibrillation, or maybe going through an asystole. These are big words and I love to say them. After correctly stating what kind of heart rhythm the patient is having, I quickly make a decision to assess if the patient has a pulse (the dummy patient actually makes a pulse!) and note if it is stable. Then I go through telling my team if the patient needs to be defibrillated or given a dose of Epinephrine or Adenosine or Atropine. (I’m starting to love the medicines too.) I even get to try intubating the pretend-patient, which I haven’t ever done before (thus the shaking hands).

When the whole thing was done, I couldn’t stop smiling. One because I passed the simulation in one try. Second, because all my team members also passed. All our efforts of practice actually paid off. And by the end of the day, the same team actually won as 3rd best ACLS team!

Until now, I feel really glad! I want to feel again the same thing I felt in the simulation room. And maybe I will if I get myself stationed in the Emergency Room or in the ICU. Maybe I’ll even get to save a life and not just AmbuMan(my first pretend-patient). But for now, I’m just going to wait and see what will come.

untitled

traces of you
form the lines and scent
of the beginning and an end
a hint of your smile
strums the beat of a heart
where the wind doesn’t make
reasons for you to ask
and the colors of the sky
remains a perfect art
remember the time when
I sat next to you and listened
as you were spilling words
wandering how people are what they are
while you created stories and poetry
and grinning through your ears
I said something
and you laughed

The Trail

Letters sprawled across the road
Like crumbs of bread still untouched
It contains dreams and endless thoughts
And wishful clouds that could float
It has drawings of a sunset bay
And laughter in a familiar place
It holds prayers in several scrawls
Holding distinct characters in made up plays
I looked back and stopped my tracks
And gazed how it leads towards my feet
And if I strain to look far back
I cannot see the other end where I start
Now I’m holding my words and yours
Even if pieces of it lay on the road
Its parts are waiting for you to find
Speaking to you among its lines
But you must have found a new trail
Or you can’t find my way
Because the trail seems too far behind
And has its end already gone

Musings

The people around me have spoken. They speak of wisdom that goes along the lines of commitment to a person they believe would be their person forever. They tell stories, rarely heard by my keen ears, where happiness and loneliness collide, overcome trials are called success, and the mere thought of having a someone even if it is far away feels better than no one. A bunch of them hold on to these ties for they have lived with it. It taught them things I seem to have failed to learn. It is being committed to love.


I have not yet been lost or lead to such musings. Thus, I'm doubtful, wondering, questioning what. However, I am curious, and has this utter urge to venture on these like sailing in uncharted waters.


How do you define it? How do you set directions to find what you must seek and know if you've finally found what you are looking for? How can you know what envelopes it's entities when the only way you can answer all your questions is actually live in it?

How To Train An Introvert

I've been having a good time this week though it mostly is composed of didactic lectures and trying hard not to sleep in the middle of a speaker's speech.

But the other portion of the last few days was the best since I just met a whole bunch of people again and made new friends. They are of different kinds, ranging from the downright bubbly, to the another type of chatterbox, to the plain hyper.

Then, I have this unnerving fear of what is to come. Since I finally got myself in a hospital, they've flooded my head with various rules and regulations, policies and instructions, and some points I need to remember the moment I finally do my part.

Still, I feel really excited, looking forward for tomorrow because it's another day of new things to learn where there'd be nice people I'd be with through the whole thing. :)

spill

there is no start in what I want to say
because as I look at the sky and
gaze at its infinity and wander off
with the misty wind that
tends to hug every part of
me, I see the details of
the fine lines of ideas
and sparks and scraps of paper
torn and not, they lay
scattered on the cold floor
there saying something that
should have been spoken
yet still waiting to be unearthed
traces, just traces
of sweet summers
familiar laughter
meaningful glances
they were long gone
as the waves crashed upon
the tiny ebb of
warmth, it dims its flares
as I bleed into another
torn piece of paper
I can't start what I want to say

maj, why are you so quiet?

Do you know the famous pizza in Naples? I've heard a lot about it lately thanks to so much resources. Just thinking of how the thing looks makes my stomach churn, like in a way, when even if I'm not too hungry but having to think about it makes me hungry all over again. It must be one of the most beautiful food I have ever seen not just because it was in Italy. The one place where pasta must have come from, if I am right. Pasta there must also be really good. I've had this dream of making a pasta that tastes like the one's served there. I need to make one. But it's impossible since I haven't exactly tasted any of their pasta or the pizza. I'm right here just dreaming about it with no way of flying my way there or having the food fly towards me. The pizza must be really great with tons of people around the globe going there just to eat the perfect platter. The dough must have these secret ingredients that it tastes perfect than a mere dough. And the spices were carefully selected and sprinkled to bring out the richest taste we could savor. And the cheese, artfully melted all over the plate that it makes you crave it more with every single bite. All these not really the exact reason why I'm quiet. It's just because I'm chewing my food.

Taint

Standing right next to you
Is an old friend and all lost
Confused with the tainted world
Sick from flesh to bones
Resting a suffocating journey
He stands there staring
At the blank pictured faces
And broken records of a chord
You were watching yourself fall
Hurt like you’ve never been hurt
But breathing and breathing hard
You’re mind fails to rest
As much as you wanted to
For every blink of your eyes
You see a murky blot of a picture
A stained shirt and a broken wheel
But He was there all along
Protecting you on your way home
Standing right next to you

wala na ung former post. haha.

talking metaphors

Gaze upon the tallest tree
Look through its frame of view
Silently, it might whisper a hue
Falling leaves, sighing breeze
Do not look down on you
Gaze and dream the highest peak
High above its trunk and leaves
Its right over the top you may seek
Leave the forest floor
Trek the unknown once more
High above the trees
Wings were spread and seen
Wind flowed across the earth
Songs of woe were no more
High above the trees
Let us blend the sky and be free

realize that you need to feel the difficult part first before you feel the part where it has become easier

i feel like i'm in the pursuit of happiness
and i'm still on the part where I haven't reached it YET.

andami kong reklamo

mali ung title. mali naman.
naisip ko lang bigla, gusto ko lang sana magkaroon ng photographic memory kahit isa o dalawang buwan lang para magkaroon ng katuturan ang paghihirap ko kuno na di ko naman masabi kung paghihirap na ba ang matatawag dun kasi kadalasan naman sariling mental torture ang ginagawa ko.
hai. adik ba lahat ng tao? parang napadpad ako sa isang lugar na puro utak ang gumagana. ung tipong kelangan mo i-memorize lahat ng nakikita. wala nang isip-isip. basta isaksak mo na sa utak mo, okey ka na!
eh, di ko gawain un eh. bumalik nanaman ako sa simula.
ugh, tulungan mo ako. 
>_<

Come Away

Come away with me
Let us sail the uncharted waters
And watch the sea
Paint things
That cannot be seen
Come away with me
Let us walk the
Moss and grass of earth
Have the wind carry us
And feel perfect mirth
Let us trace our steps
Make one at a time
Look up high to the heavens
Make the trek worth a climb
Listen for hidden words of wisdom
Though walls may seem unkind
Because we will seek freedom
And define it for the blind
Come away
Come away with me
For there are far great things to see

New Year Notes

For the New Year, I vow to keep positive and happy thoughts, stop thinking too much and do something useful. I will do good by doing my best in what I am about to do. I wish to keep fit and eat healthy. Still, I desire to learn a new hobby I’ve never done yet. I will participate, listen and speak. I want to seek more places, share new things and write about it. I want to meet new people that will inspire me as I try to be an inspiration myself. I will learn a whole lot of new things. I pray that I conquer the next trials without going too much downhill. I hope to aim higher, dream more and keep my faith alive. Basically, I resolve to live better.