This is no

It’s a cycle of falling
and getting back up on my feet;
of missing and forgetting you.
I want to create my own ending
where you leave me forever on my own
and nobody really notices except me.
Then you’d knock right back in
and say the right words.

How do I tell you
how much I miss you
when you just drift away?
I can’t figure out everything
because you left me
with random puzzle pieces
that doesn’t even fit together?

when people makes you feel less lonely in the place you spend most of your days in, you stop being needy from the people who couldn't give you the attention you need.

Human Nature

We are vulnerable in a way that we continuously let people step in our lives and let them invade the sanctuary that we have built within ourselves. We are vulnerable in a way that we pour out all our hopes and anxieties feeling that it would lessen in some way. We are always seeking for safety in the words spread out by people we’ve just randomly met in one random day of our lives. We never knew how long we would travel and how we could keep up. We never knew people until they’ve shared their lives like an open book and intricate lines slowly weave itself connecting two complicated lives. We are always searching for answers to our questions. However, we do not readily ask these questions and keep it within ourselves, hoping and wondering what the answers would be. We are never always truthful about ourselves and we can’t even say the whole truth to others. We soak ourselves in our own thoughts and feelings hoping someone would read it instead of just speaking it out. We never knew where or when we’d feel something real again.

every ferris wheel ride comes with a package of happy thoughts and incomparable elated feelings you can’t explain 

#happy #thoughts #tagaytay

I’ve seen things. The line that draws a human heart is complicated. Against the pitch black screen, the glowing line contains reasons for you to be alive.

Up and down it goes, pretending to tease with no clue where or when it would stop. At it’s highest peak, you can’t define the surge of life that goes within you and you wouldn’t even feel it. It doesn’t tell you how much you have but it will keep beating for you. Then at it’s lowest, it rests in a brief melancholic gloom. The lines can speak. It dives deeper than it’s supposed to and you are to take a rest and reflect on your thoughts.

For how many times, I’ve stared at a patient’s cardiac monitor looking for answers. Night shifts get to me too much. The silence that clashes with the beeping sounds of the monitors, the infusion pumps and the ventilator sounds like an endless ritual.

For how many times I’ve sighed when I see a patient struggle against himself. Either they have accepted their fate or are continuously fighting to break free from their physical bondage. I can imagine the hours spent staring at the dim ceiling, momentarily alone with their thoughts and finding temporary peace when they see a familiar face of a loved one.

I’ve realized how life could be so precious when it’s right in your hands. And I’ve also realized how it’s always taken for granted.

Whenever our life is at it’s highest peak, we are profoundly exhilarated. It’s the zenith of our being. We laugh and sing at the top of our lungs. We embrace the good things because we deserve it. It’s the time to recover our losses and be truly happy. It’s the best time of our lives.

Then only when we’ve felt a sudden bliss do we feel a hint of loneliness. It might come quickly or creep slowly among us, however we take it too hard without realizing it. Every sad thought seemed like a stabbing wound that punishes us for taking things too lightly. Only then do we contemplate and rethink our lives.

We would always go through a ride of ups and downs. When we are at the highest part of the ride, it is best that we raise our heads up high towards the sky and love every minute of happiness we could rake within us. We do not take that perfect time for granted but treasure it for what it’s worth. Then towards the dive, we brace ourselves and learn from our faults and heal.

As the heart keeps beating, it takes up every ounce of strength it can just to keep us alive. The life that rushes within us comes smoothly within our veins and we wouldn’t feel it until we place our minds into it. It traces up and down, contracts and relaxes, continuously, and carries on.

“Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.”

—	Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

it's funny how you make so much meaning out of something when you're not even through half of what it means or it just doesn't really make any sense!

The ICU is a field of knowledge. It grows theories and ideas that hovers on all of your senses. The beeping cardiac monitor wakes you up and speaks to you among its eerie lines. The sound of your patient’s breathing alerts you to start moving. The look and feel of your patient’s skin spells out the pages you’ve brood over in college. The smell of burnt air also gives you its own dire signs. Imagine these raking your senses all at the same time.

EKG

Bunny Ears

#leftbundlebranchblock #ecg #heart #tracings #nurse #workstuff #ICU #amused

I solemnly stare at the murky depths of a chocolate drink hoping to find solace from my random awkward loneliness

It just gives me a much deeper undaunted  paranoia that kept my head from whirring. My pensive thoughts refuse to be stopped so I succumb and drown, realizing how I’m truly physically alone. I am so hungry for anything that could bring back a spark. I seek for a physical touch, a hug perhaps, that would give out the warmth I couldn’t recognize. I need to listen again to voice that could encapsulate me and keep me amused. I realize how I’ve become a slave of anything sweet like a chocolate drink and how it seems to temporarily mend the failing cracks from the edges of my mind. 

8.24.13 

On Helping People

I once came across a quote here that says about one person drowning while the other person was just standing three feet away screaming to the drowning person to just learn how to swim.

In reality, if you see somebody in need of help and he’s just right there, would you just stare at him and say that he can do it by himself? Wouldn’t you compulsively do something to help him?

I go through so much of this at work recently. I see my colleagues sitting there watching me while I move about doing the things I’m supposed to do. I’m the junior, the bottom of the food chain, the person who get’s most of the tasks, while most of the time, they relax on their chairs waiting for time to go by. During such time, I just go on with my work, most of the time in a hurried pace, so I’d finish everything on time. Within 12 hours, I’ve got so much things to do and I feel like I’m always on the run. And yes, during that time, they’re just watching me.

I simply don’t get it. Is there some sort of wisdom they are trying to instill in me every time I go through this? And if there is a lesson in it, I can only name one and they speak of it too often, it’s like throwing paper on a rock. They always emphasize time management as the key to what ever I’m going through.

I thought I was way past that stage where I have to suffer on my own at work. I thought the people I work with aren’t what I thought of them on the first place. I always thought, whenever I’m “drowning,” they really wouldn’t help me because I have to learn to swim by myself first. I thought that when I actually do learn how to swim, they’d return back to their normal helping selves. But no.

There is a difference between letting somebody get drowned a little so he could learn to swim and a person who do knows how to swim but is actually drowning.

A hint of inspiration goes a long way

It starts like a budding feeling of happiness followed by hope. Then it slowly turns into a desire for more. That inspiration then becomes a need for you to breathe. A daily dose seemed enough but you begin to ask for a little more. A few more sparks and a parade of signs, you will begin to thrive until there comes a day when a spark isn’t enough and you shall seek for something more. You will realize that it is no longer just a hint you seek. You realize you’ve grown attached. You fight off the odd feelings you’ve made, ignoring possibilities and trying to get yourself back.  However, that inspiration has dug deep into your depths leaving you powerless without it.

#pokerface

Teachers

How does a learner act when his teacher doesn’t act by how he has thought his student?

I think teachers are one of the best people ever made. They teach everything in a wide array of topics you either want or need not want to hear. They make you think, act and keep you nurtured like a growing plant hungry for facts. They readily feed you with all the possible knowledge they can muster. They will lead you on to different paths of information, give you a clearer picture of things you can’t understand and keeps your mind wide open to endless possibilities of the unknown. If I would be inspired by someone, it would probably be a teacher.

One of the best things about teachers is that you can’t only meet them in the four corners of the classroom. They are actually everywhere. You can meet them at the park when you are wondering why things are what they are. You can randomly meet them in your work place when you seem to be lost from where you are. Sometimes they are actually some people you know. They can be your helpful friend, giving you another dose of advice after a hard day. They can be your witty colleague who never fails to lend a hand during another toxic work day.

Your teacher is supposed to be your role model. He is supposed to practice what he teaches. By living up to what he imparts to his learner, he portrays a role that his learner will follow because he simply believes in him. As a learner, he looks up to his teacher as a foundation of how he is to be.

Now what if all the things you were taught were simply words left out carelessly for you to rigidly follow? Now your teacher, whom you look up to, makes these guidelines, imposes them for you, and you had to do it. As an obedient student, you then obey these rules, come to the point where you compulsively live up to perfectly follow these rules because it is how you are taught. Then one day your teacher does something that alters whatever perfect guidelines he has plotted on you. He diverts from what he has taught you and does something unnervingly wrong.

How do you even function after that? Do you think that still following the lessons you were taught would make you feel any better? How do you even start to decide whether what you are doing is actually right? 

I wear pajamas to work. They seem like pajamas.