and here goes something

i get to make life decisions now. it felt different owing the fact that i never really thought of acquiring too much freedom on the first place. i make a list of plans what i’d do next but staring at them makes me think of something else. its real, the truth, the time where i need to do something before regret eats me up. living is supposed to be randomly fun. it’s having to make choices, taking risks, absorbing what reality really presents itself without taking everything too seriously. 

-troubled thoughts

I gazed at these balloons a few weeks ago before the board exams. While they drifted off with the wind toward the sky, I dissolved myself in the crowd of happy faces also watching it intently. It was all so vivid and unforgettable. Their amused grins hid the fact that every one of them was holding on to every piece of strength they've have left after the last weeks of hard work. All have been through a lot of sick brooding sleepless nights of studying. But still, it was excitement that filled the air back then because the time has finally come to test what they've prepared for so long. With a united yell, they tied their prayers, hopes and dreams on the balloons strings and heaved all their doubts and fears and let the Heavens carry it for them.

The Pessimist Just Passed Her Licensure Exam

The clouds were always dark and gloomy since she knew it was going to come any day now.  She tried to shake it off by planning stuff to shoot up her serotonin to its supposed normal level. It all summed up with her trekking for her beliefs and getting disappointed with doors closed in such a time she actually did something fruitful. She was planning to pray. The sky was raining where she stood.

In a few hours, she was now sure it was going to come.  And just then, the lights went off and she has no other way of finding about what was coming with just her battered phone. The battered thing happened to have delivered the news just few minutes after the current went down where she was. She stood highest where she dwells wondering what will it be this time. She can’t make anyone else see what her fate was. She has to see it with her own eyes. Staying by the rooftop showed signs of lights from houses afar. They hadn’t had any of what she has. Gazing high, the sky was dark gray again and a distant star stayed lit with from all its worth. 

I’ve conjured a perfect cup of coffee except it’s not anymore coffee because I’ve placed everything i like in it. And after I’ve drank all of it, I remembered the cinnamon.

anything way past my bedtime

(here, written, is anything random that’s running through my head. mind i take note now before my time runs out and it all wanders off to nowhere)

If I am perfectly accurate, there is at least a week before the exam results swerves up to the news and start blaring it to every single being that has been dreading it from the moment they stepped out shaking from their exam rooms, including me. I had my share of fun. Fun that is defined by the first painstaking day after the exams where I didn’t know what to do because every negative thought kept building up in my head until I snapped (not what you think) and continuing on to this very night where, again, I find it hard to sleep.

I want to try drawing like a kid again. Who cares if it happens to be an abstract figure of a landscape. Seriously. I’d rather make myself preoccupied this coming week rather than being tormented by myself. I want to cook! I wanted to make different pasta dishes. I’ve only made spaghetti and meatballs once. it is a pasta isn’t? I want to try hiking too. Then when I get to the top, I’d have my camera with me. I’d always imagine an amazing view anywhere. And then I’d walk around, just walk maybe, or have a joyride and look for a place to fit in. I mean look for a job. I never thought this part could be really hard. I always picture the part where the interviewer asks questions and I answer with all my deep seated unspoken words, not the seeking part. It never has happened because I seem to have acquired the stupidity of not being able to properly open an office door. Oh well.

My plans seem to always get stuck for some reason. Some tend to wither away though some still grow back. I do wish they all grow back and save me from sinking more in my made-up pit. I hope I’d be able to accomplish something this time. Now that I feel like I’m just going to grab anything that would take my mind off what is keeping me awake this long.

I’m going to write more too.

TAGS: THOUGHT  AUGUST 14 PAST MIDNIGHT