Synthesizing the Black Hole

May I warn you that what when I was writing this, I was once again struck with deep realizations and thoughts that overpower my urge to sleep and tinkers the tiny corners of my brain to write somaething. This is not a cheerful piece. If you’ve grazed my blog lately, you would know how some of the things I’ve written have decomposed; wilting like a plant I’ve tried to grown. This is another confession about things I really hope doesn’t exist in my line of thinking but they still do, because somehow, these fragments have become a part of what I am.

I’ve been feeling alone lately. Thanks to people that exist in my life, they somehow make me feel more alone. I’m miles away from everything I grew up in and I’m adapting in such place I can’t feel a meaningful reason to be in. What is the sense of being here if feel mostly like this, always caught vacant, watching the things that doesn’t seem to bring anything out. I think this city I’m in used to be coated in silver and it’s shiny and beautiful. But it wasn’t real silver after all, because as years pass, it has faded and has shown it’s true rusty colors, exactly how I see it. 

Let me just say that I’ve grown tired of being like this. These sad words always move me to search for reasons of living. What is living anyway? How do I know if I’ve lived yet? How do I know? I believe its finding happiness. The feeling of being happy with whatever you might have. But it’s really hard to define and know if you’ve lived with just a thought. Maybe, I have lived when I wasn’t thinking like this. But I can’t tell.

I feel like I’ve lost a lot lately. There are friends that have forgotten, some things I missed doing, some lessons I didn’t pay attention to. My mother kept saying I’m still too young. I am young, now. That thought bother me in some way, because tomorrow, I might miss something, Tomorrow, I might spend another day doing nothing. Tomorrow, I can’t really tell. I can’t bare thinking that time moves too fast and I can’t do anything about it but go what will come. 

See how I think now. Some of these thoughts doesn’t even make sense. It’s like my way of punishing myself for doing nothing sensible or not being able to find what I’m looking for. If you are reading this still, I warned you. When I write like this, it almost sounds like something I can’t mention because it is not. Go figure. This is just me beating my head again, not in a literal way, of course.

Yes, I know, life is a big surprise. It may even be a joke, or your worst. But the worst wouldn’t exist if there is nothing good where it came from. Realize how I ‘m trying to let my positive side out. I’ve played with pessimism too much today. Welcome to this black hole, where everything is dark and gloomy and difficult to escape from. Don’t worry. This is just a phase. I’m going to keep looking for brighter things. One might be coming soon.


You shouldn't have read this. Still.