Pseudo-revenge

During my review days, I was doing pretty well on practice exams, actually acing it in unexpected times. It wasn’t what I used to do way back in college. So when my review mates asked me one day how I’m doing it, I just blurted out that i wanted revenge.

I’m an invisible college student. Nowhere near the lime light and grateful not at the bottom. I chose to be an average-off-the-radar kind from the moment I realized how college grades were run.

I don’t detest college. Going through it was actually a huge challenge with all tests of reality blaring at your face and changes starts to happen from where you stand. I get to learn and do new things and meet different kinds of people. These were good times. :)

The downside of it all is the part where I had to break my head in half just to memorize medicines, anatomical parts and medical jargons just to enumerate for the next day’s quiz. After which, all these terms I somehow crammed in my head would just slip away from my brain leaving me only memorable ones such as the gastrocnemius, enoxaparin, and laminectomy. I’ve “accepted” this kind of learning and moved with it from my first semester to the last.

I’d enjoy going through exams that allows me to analyze what to do with a patient having air embolism and then do my worst on the ones that asks to enumerate the plant alkaloids and antimetabolites. That was how it was run, and I can’t do anything but carry on. I hated memorizing. I’m this hard-headed, wishing the next quiz wouldn’t involve making another list of words that doesn’t mean a thing. 

My subconscious revenge, I suppose, is to prove that I need not memorize a book verbatim to get a reasonable high mark in the board exams. I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t memorize and I can’t get great marks for it. So i took the other approach.

When I started reading through my thick heavy books, I just read it through and try to understand what is written in it. I make the words fit and make it a memory that I’ll remember when the puzzling questions come. When remembering a new term necessitates more recalling, I posted it on my walls, repeated it in my head, and make it a part of some silly story. Suddenly, I started to like reading about anatomy and pathophysiology. I liked the feeling of being able to explain how the blood runs through our body, understand how the kidneys malfunction, why the liver is such a big deal, and more of that stuff. That was how I did it. 

I did get my revenge. But calling it revenge really doesn’t sound right anymore. It was actually more than what it is. It wasn’t a revenge because I knew in me that I’ve made so much effort not just because of these cranky thoughts but because most of the time, I just kept my ground then aimed high. I wanted for once to prove in me that I’m not failing, and that I can really make things happen if a I work hard for it. 

I did it, and it was beyond my own expectations. :)

Youngblood

One of the books I loved so much way back. 

It is composed of well-written essays of people twenty something below who has something to say about the world. It has something about learnings of growing up, about loving life, learning from mistakes and taking hold of it and being aware of the happenings of the society. Its a book about being a youth. 

This is one of the reasons why I loved writing. I actually wrote for this 4 years ago because it has a column on a newspaper and they publish one work per week. I didn’t get published. gehe. ^__^

Anyway, it’s worth reading! I used to have this book but someone borrowed it and never returned. Makes me sad remembering it. :( 

Lesson: Take note of people who can’t return anything borrowed.  T_T

side effects of the latter

Late night and I drink this cup of coffee. I wasn't even planning to stay up all night and do some work. But the smell of temptation bit, asking me to be drowned in whatever sweet sense i could gain at the moment. It's a perfect cup. It erased the fact that I have trouble sleeping and i need to be early the very next day. I thought, what are the side effects anyway? I just took all the sweet goodness and let myself drown in euphoric doom.

There's no harm in asking for the better, isn't it? All things good are actually coined as good. Every tiny expensive thing to pleasurable vices that does seem to make one feel (awfully) good is perfect. Another late night with a couple of smokes and booze, some dirty chats that doesn't seem to make sense, a few good gossips whispered here and there, making the other feel better about themselves. Some strings of lies that goes a long way that doesn't affect much until one gets stabbed right back. It's good. It's the perfect cup.

We tend to look for what makes us feel good. We ask for things because it makes us feel good about ourselves. We do try to stick to what is simple and just. We try not to complain and be contented of what we have. But we are always seeking for something else. We tend to keep looking for more. At some point, we start to take some bad things as good because it makes us feel good anyway. And that's where it all starts. Sometimes, we just take whatever is good for us and disregard whatever consequences it will have in the future. We walk to a masked plague and fail to notice what it'll do for us. We keep holding on for it forgetting everything else that actually mattered.

I just love the taste of coffee. I love it because its sweet. The scent of it grabs hold of my senses. Its warmth never fails to bring comfort when i'm cold. It's hue even gives a distinct character.

The best part of this idiosyncrasy is whenever I end up regretting in my bed because i took what is "good" stealing me some precious hours of sleep.

I don't want to be teary on Graduation Day

…but just thinking of all the the things that has happened that will eventually bring me to this fateful day is a nice brew of nostalgia.

I can still remember how i got admitted to my college. I was asked to wait in the long line of applicants for an interview. I was hoping hard that i’d get in so i need not enroll for the unaccessible school. Half-asleep and too early, i was sitting by the corridor of the school with my father waiting for the results. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the list until my father looked through himself and told me I just passed with the familiar grin on his face. He was more glad. The date was May 23. The number I then considered as my luck. The day that I knew where it’ll all start. My birthday. 

It was first year when everything was awkward. I can’t seem to know where to go. First years seems to stick together a lot because they’re afraid to lose each other. So weird how i think way back, i was so ignorant to the the course i just took. Thus, the awkward. 

The second year was the year i started to realize what rode i just took. It means blood, needles and pain. I feel weak with blood especially if its mine. I’m not scared of needles but thinking of it going into my body is another thing. And the pain, it was the awful part when we needed to practice injecting our group mate to pass our subject. Then again, I can still remember the colorful anatomy books and the coloring book that comes with it. I missed it for some reason.

Third year was the part where I was all enthusiastic with the hospital and what says on our books. I was at peak of learning new things. I looked forward to duty days than school days. Duty days were always fun because i belonged to an awesome group. This was also the year when Thursdays turned into “Tears-day” because our minds were all bleeding during such day. On this single day every week, we tackle 7 concepts, one professor each, every hour. It was exhausting and brain-wrecking. There are days our batch turn out to be walking zombies as we move one room to another for each concept because each of our professors gives an exam or recitation all at the same time. Imagine our minds cramped every single week. Even if this year has given me lots of sleepless nights and headaches, i missed it a lot. 

Right now, I’m on my last weeks of being a college student. The final exams is just so near. I feel goosebumps again. I can’t believe it. One more duty schedule, a few more weeks to go, some strolls and moments i never thought i’d keep, a few more reasons to sit as ducks, waiting, more of insomnia nights, and beads of sweat still on our brows, the day is almost near. 

I’m taking this all in with a smile across my face. 

 *tears. :’)