Pseudo-revenge

During my review days, I was doing pretty well on practice exams, actually acing it in unexpected times. It wasn’t what I used to do way back in college. So when my review mates asked me one day how I’m doing it, I just blurted out that i wanted revenge.

I’m an invisible college student. Nowhere near the lime light and grateful not at the bottom. I chose to be an average-off-the-radar kind from the moment I realized how college grades were run.

I don’t detest college. Going through it was actually a huge challenge with all tests of reality blaring at your face and changes starts to happen from where you stand. I get to learn and do new things and meet different kinds of people. These were good times. :)

The downside of it all is the part where I had to break my head in half just to memorize medicines, anatomical parts and medical jargons just to enumerate for the next day’s quiz. After which, all these terms I somehow crammed in my head would just slip away from my brain leaving me only memorable ones such as the gastrocnemius, enoxaparin, and laminectomy. I’ve “accepted” this kind of learning and moved with it from my first semester to the last.

I’d enjoy going through exams that allows me to analyze what to do with a patient having air embolism and then do my worst on the ones that asks to enumerate the plant alkaloids and antimetabolites. That was how it was run, and I can’t do anything but carry on. I hated memorizing. I’m this hard-headed, wishing the next quiz wouldn’t involve making another list of words that doesn’t mean a thing. 

My subconscious revenge, I suppose, is to prove that I need not memorize a book verbatim to get a reasonable high mark in the board exams. I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t memorize and I can’t get great marks for it. So i took the other approach.

When I started reading through my thick heavy books, I just read it through and try to understand what is written in it. I make the words fit and make it a memory that I’ll remember when the puzzling questions come. When remembering a new term necessitates more recalling, I posted it on my walls, repeated it in my head, and make it a part of some silly story. Suddenly, I started to like reading about anatomy and pathophysiology. I liked the feeling of being able to explain how the blood runs through our body, understand how the kidneys malfunction, why the liver is such a big deal, and more of that stuff. That was how I did it. 

I did get my revenge. But calling it revenge really doesn’t sound right anymore. It was actually more than what it is. It wasn’t a revenge because I knew in me that I’ve made so much effort not just because of these cranky thoughts but because most of the time, I just kept my ground then aimed high. I wanted for once to prove in me that I’m not failing, and that I can really make things happen if a I work hard for it. 

I did it, and it was beyond my own expectations. :)

I gazed at these balloons a few weeks ago before the board exams. While they drifted off with the wind toward the sky, I dissolved myself in the crowd of happy faces also watching it intently. It was all so vivid and unforgettable. Their amused grins hid the fact that every one of them was holding on to every piece of strength they've have left after the last weeks of hard work. All have been through a lot of sick brooding sleepless nights of studying. But still, it was excitement that filled the air back then because the time has finally come to test what they've prepared for so long. With a united yell, they tied their prayers, hopes and dreams on the balloons strings and heaved all their doubts and fears and let the Heavens carry it for them.

The Pessimist Just Passed Her Licensure Exam

The clouds were always dark and gloomy since she knew it was going to come any day now.  She tried to shake it off by planning stuff to shoot up her serotonin to its supposed normal level. It all summed up with her trekking for her beliefs and getting disappointed with doors closed in such a time she actually did something fruitful. She was planning to pray. The sky was raining where she stood.

In a few hours, she was now sure it was going to come.  And just then, the lights went off and she has no other way of finding about what was coming with just her battered phone. The battered thing happened to have delivered the news just few minutes after the current went down where she was. She stood highest where she dwells wondering what will it be this time. She can’t make anyone else see what her fate was. She has to see it with her own eyes. Staying by the rooftop showed signs of lights from houses afar. They hadn’t had any of what she has. Gazing high, the sky was dark gray again and a distant star stayed lit with from all its worth. 

anything way past my bedtime

(here, written, is anything random that’s running through my head. mind i take note now before my time runs out and it all wanders off to nowhere)

If I am perfectly accurate, there is at least a week before the exam results swerves up to the news and start blaring it to every single being that has been dreading it from the moment they stepped out shaking from their exam rooms, including me. I had my share of fun. Fun that is defined by the first painstaking day after the exams where I didn’t know what to do because every negative thought kept building up in my head until I snapped (not what you think) and continuing on to this very night where, again, I find it hard to sleep.

I want to try drawing like a kid again. Who cares if it happens to be an abstract figure of a landscape. Seriously. I’d rather make myself preoccupied this coming week rather than being tormented by myself. I want to cook! I wanted to make different pasta dishes. I’ve only made spaghetti and meatballs once. it is a pasta isn’t? I want to try hiking too. Then when I get to the top, I’d have my camera with me. I’d always imagine an amazing view anywhere. And then I’d walk around, just walk maybe, or have a joyride and look for a place to fit in. I mean look for a job. I never thought this part could be really hard. I always picture the part where the interviewer asks questions and I answer with all my deep seated unspoken words, not the seeking part. It never has happened because I seem to have acquired the stupidity of not being able to properly open an office door. Oh well.

My plans seem to always get stuck for some reason. Some tend to wither away though some still grow back. I do wish they all grow back and save me from sinking more in my made-up pit. I hope I’d be able to accomplish something this time. Now that I feel like I’m just going to grab anything that would take my mind off what is keeping me awake this long.

I’m going to write more too.

TAGS: THOUGHT  AUGUST 14 PAST MIDNIGHT  

my review days was covered with scribbled medical terms and numbers on post-its. 

randomtumble

a few people know i just took my board exam which just concluded a few hours ago. i walked out not really remembering what i just did inside the exam room. but the thing is, i can truly remember the questions i can’t answer. my friend just caught me staring at nowhere. hah. what just hapened.

i went home without thinking about anything trying to suppress whatever pops out in my head. i lay in my bed, grabbed a chocolate bar, devoured it and hoping it does its placebo trick. during the process, i hugged my biggest pillow which i don’t really do much because i prefer it to be on my head. then all them wicked thoughts started pouring. 

so i stood up to find myself some distractions. alas, the internet. and i saw him. looked through his page and read what i didn’t want to know. thus, the ever lengthy weird post awhile ago that doesn’t make sense. instead of writing all my rants, i wrote to him instead. :D

now i’m stuck browsing through tumblr hoping something could lighten me up. while doing so, i’m stuffing myself with some cookies even if i know it doesn’t really have effect on whatever i want to feel. 

the law of attraction makes me wonder now with a huge smile on my face… 

3 NOTES / 2 WEEKS AGO
TAGS: MY  THOUGHT  JULY 3  2011  

multiple choice question

there’s always, and I mean always, a GREAT chance that your first choice is the correct one. 

lessons learned

this past few months has been a very long roller coaster ride. i feel like i’ve gone through anywhere. from being sick, sad and depressed, to being lost and lonely, to being an empty and happy amused soul, to a manic depressive, then i’d be paranoid and confused, then be infatuated and inspired again, and so on. little things could really a go along way. i’ve learned a lot. i’ve actually made up a list of what I learned so far as i’m getting to the peak of this coaster ride. here goes:

1. DO NOT OVER ANALYZE.

2. ALWAYS stick with the open-ended question

3. don’t be an idiot

4, draw it the RIGHT way

5. DO BETTER!

6. be warned of the word “NOT”

7. write your list

8.  finish the book

9. read further

10. safety is always the best option!

11. don’t consider client incompetent unless said so.

12. re-read!

13. there is, for some odd reason, that your first answer will be the right one. 

14. rethink!

15. be optimistic!

16. find your inspiration…. <3

17. make your mistakes as a stepping stone to success

18. deal with your problems then laugh about it after

19. offer your sacrifice to God! :)

20. have faith in yourself

21. DO your BEST!

22. aim higher than high!

23. don’t lose yourself in the way

24. and then your inspiration.. <3 (this part just doesn’t make sense)

hahaha! so far, this is what i was able to write. there’s still a lot more to add to this list for sure. 

Midnight, you sit there on your desk and the clock ticks too fast. There remains beads of sweat across your brow. You try hard not to make a yawn. Even a wink isn’t allowed. Deep sighs could go a long way. A mere scribble of a new word you never want to forget. Emphasizing. Repeating. Ingesting. Hoping. Holding on to that new thought. Wishing hard it won’t become a stray. Then the silent night press hard on you. And that sound of people make when they’re asleep. You rest your arm on your desk. You carefully lay your head. You made a makeshift bed.

I wonder how it would feel like if every time I would study, there’d be a cheering monkey beside me. That would be something. HAHAH. :D

I’m still on study mode. The final exams the other day wasn’t the only exam i’m going to take this year. There’s the exam against being lazy, being weak, being pessimistic and being depressed. And there’s the local boards. 

I need all the cheer I can get to pass these all. Now, maybe, that’ll include an imaginary cheering monkey. ^__^

generalized anxiety disorder

i think i’m starting to have this thing. because a few months from now, i’m going to take the board exam of some sort. T_T

symptoms were:

• fatiguability
• irritability
• restlessness
• muscle tension

when it’s daytime, i’d always yawn like i’m too tired to wake up. 3-4 times in a week, after a long day, you’d see me asleep in my bed till 8 pm and i haven’t ate my dinner because i’m too tired. my friends then starts to notice that i kept having a “flat affect” with eyes half closed and staring at nowhere. i think i just need more sleep but i think its lazy and i’d rather do other things than snoozing. (?) i’d just fall asleep when i’m either reading a book or staring at the *post-its across my wall.

then i’ve become irritable too. i have no idea when i had this type of temper. whenever people kept bothering me at home when i’m alone doing some school work, i become really terrible and irritable. i need to control myself whenever i kept saying awful words. i become upset more easily. then after which, i would recuperate by being alone again and hating what i just did.

i’m just not sure about the last two symptoms. i can’t tell because when i’m restlesss, i fight it by thinking. maybe i’ve been thinking restlessly and it doesn’t show physically. muscle tension, not yet(?) anyway.

wah! i should stop thinking about what my disorder is. but GAD isn’t the only thing on my disorder list. but whatever.

you should try studying psychiatry. it makes you think what you really are. what your disorder is. like i do. this is what happens when you know things some don’t.

*my post-its has things i need to memorize before the exam. :)