with all the fragmented movable entities tied to this tricky game I’m trying to play, designed to make one missed turn make a vast effect on the succeeding turns that will come, what can go wrong?

Musings

The people around me have spoken. They speak of wisdom that goes along the lines of commitment to a person they believe would be their person forever. They tell stories, rarely heard by my keen ears, where happiness and loneliness collide, overcome trials are called success, and the mere thought of having a someone even if it is far away feels better than no one. A bunch of them hold on to these ties for they have lived with it. It taught them things I seem to have failed to learn. It is being committed to love.


I have not yet been lost or lead to such musings. Thus, I'm doubtful, wondering, questioning what. However, I am curious, and has this utter urge to venture on these like sailing in uncharted waters.


How do you define it? How do you set directions to find what you must seek and know if you've finally found what you are looking for? How can you know what envelopes it's entities when the only way you can answer all your questions is actually live in it?

how can someone be obsessed with the thought of love? how can someone believe in what it is, define it by her own string of thoughts and make it something so true and beautiful that it seems like she’s been through it even if not?

i can’t entirely hold on to love because i’m not whole. i can’t complete my work, finish this picture, see a much clearer view. i wonder if there would be one person that could help me completely define these thoughts.

brave

I need a reason to be here. I need to know why I haven’t called home after all this time just to say I need to get out of this messed-up city. I need to know why I still haven’t broken down into tears after looking out the window of this kind of reality. Why did I choose this path full of turns and detours and tunnels with missing lights? It always feels like going through uncertainties. Tell me one good reason why I’m making this risk.

My truth flares inside of me. This room I’m in is like my safety shell. The truth is it scares me every time I break out of it. It scares me that every time I do, I wouldn’t find a way back. That every time I do, I’d think, sit still, stare, disappointed for more reasons. I’m even scared of people and everything else.

I must be brave. Because for some reason, even if it scares me, I still manage to step out of my door and watch what happens next. All my doubts and negative thoughts tend to disappear as walk away from my safety. The odd feeling in my stomach remains but as I continue trekking a new path, it fades away. For some reason, the feeling of going through something is better than moping in a silent room. For some reason, it feels a whole lot better learning how to survive out in the dark.