step two: make a slightly difficult non-random plan to reach The Goal.

very difficult indeed. how do you make a plan in the first place. i think knowing is the right answer. it's a good choice to seek options, know your resources, figure out what you can do with them. make a non-random plan. why? i can't think of exact words for it. plans can be changed most of the time. things change. so sometimes, we randomly make decisions out of our plans. i needed to say that it's non-random because, making a decision out of our plans must still be thought through, of course. the important thing is keeping your goal intact.

step one: make a goal.

it's time to figure something out. what do you want. what is your dream? what do you want to achieve. making a goal sounds easy, but it really isn't. i've thought of a goal. but i don't know if it really is a goal because it's too broad. my goal is to be happy. yeah. not exactly a goal. one can be happy anytime he/she chooses to be. so the ultimate goal is really hard to figure. but it will come out in the long run. my goal is hard to define though because it has branches on it like a tree.

WHAT DA.

i didn't get lost. i got burned by the sun. i met people. i learned something new.

i'm going on an adventure today.

there’s a saying that mentions about finding new land means losing sight of the shore
then there’s another that says, sometimes you need to get lost in the forest to learn find new places
i hope i still don’t get lost though, but to learn and find new places would be a great escape.
goodluck.

spilled pensieve

waves roared at the piece of rock where he stood.
from all edges, it crashed and wanted to cave in to the tiny land where he stood.
and as if the sea was frustrated with not enough power to push him off, it made its waves bigger and stronger.
he felt all the anger now, and started fighting not to be knocked off with the icy water trying to grasp his feet.
it went on like forever, like nothing would save him as he felt the wind stabs hard on his skin
but then out of nothing, he saw a great bird swoop him on its back before the tiny bit of rock he once stood got devoured by the raging sea

Pseudo-revenge

During my review days, I was doing pretty well on practice exams, actually acing it in unexpected times. It wasn’t what I used to do way back in college. So when my review mates asked me one day how I’m doing it, I just blurted out that i wanted revenge.

I’m an invisible college student. Nowhere near the lime light and grateful not at the bottom. I chose to be an average-off-the-radar kind from the moment I realized how college grades were run.

I don’t detest college. Going through it was actually a huge challenge with all tests of reality blaring at your face and changes starts to happen from where you stand. I get to learn and do new things and meet different kinds of people. These were good times. :)

The downside of it all is the part where I had to break my head in half just to memorize medicines, anatomical parts and medical jargons just to enumerate for the next day’s quiz. After which, all these terms I somehow crammed in my head would just slip away from my brain leaving me only memorable ones such as the gastrocnemius, enoxaparin, and laminectomy. I’ve “accepted” this kind of learning and moved with it from my first semester to the last.

I’d enjoy going through exams that allows me to analyze what to do with a patient having air embolism and then do my worst on the ones that asks to enumerate the plant alkaloids and antimetabolites. That was how it was run, and I can’t do anything but carry on. I hated memorizing. I’m this hard-headed, wishing the next quiz wouldn’t involve making another list of words that doesn’t mean a thing. 

My subconscious revenge, I suppose, is to prove that I need not memorize a book verbatim to get a reasonable high mark in the board exams. I’ve accepted the fact that I can’t memorize and I can’t get great marks for it. So i took the other approach.

When I started reading through my thick heavy books, I just read it through and try to understand what is written in it. I make the words fit and make it a memory that I’ll remember when the puzzling questions come. When remembering a new term necessitates more recalling, I posted it on my walls, repeated it in my head, and make it a part of some silly story. Suddenly, I started to like reading about anatomy and pathophysiology. I liked the feeling of being able to explain how the blood runs through our body, understand how the kidneys malfunction, why the liver is such a big deal, and more of that stuff. That was how I did it. 

I did get my revenge. But calling it revenge really doesn’t sound right anymore. It was actually more than what it is. It wasn’t a revenge because I knew in me that I’ve made so much effort not just because of these cranky thoughts but because most of the time, I just kept my ground then aimed high. I wanted for once to prove in me that I’m not failing, and that I can really make things happen if a I work hard for it. 

I did it, and it was beyond my own expectations. :)

Today, I was afraid I've told lies because I hallucinated.

Way to go House!

…

But for a while I realized that I wasn’t.

I just can’t believe it…

and here goes something

i get to make life decisions now. it felt different owing the fact that i never really thought of acquiring too much freedom on the first place. i make a list of plans what i’d do next but staring at them makes me think of something else. its real, the truth, the time where i need to do something before regret eats me up. living is supposed to be randomly fun. it’s having to make choices, taking risks, absorbing what reality really presents itself without taking everything too seriously. 

-troubled thoughts

I gazed at these balloons a few weeks ago before the board exams. While they drifted off with the wind toward the sky, I dissolved myself in the crowd of happy faces also watching it intently. It was all so vivid and unforgettable. Their amused grins hid the fact that every one of them was holding on to every piece of strength they've have left after the last weeks of hard work. All have been through a lot of sick brooding sleepless nights of studying. But still, it was excitement that filled the air back then because the time has finally come to test what they've prepared for so long. With a united yell, they tied their prayers, hopes and dreams on the balloons strings and heaved all their doubts and fears and let the Heavens carry it for them.

The Pessimist Just Passed Her Licensure Exam

The clouds were always dark and gloomy since she knew it was going to come any day now.  She tried to shake it off by planning stuff to shoot up her serotonin to its supposed normal level. It all summed up with her trekking for her beliefs and getting disappointed with doors closed in such a time she actually did something fruitful. She was planning to pray. The sky was raining where she stood.

In a few hours, she was now sure it was going to come.  And just then, the lights went off and she has no other way of finding about what was coming with just her battered phone. The battered thing happened to have delivered the news just few minutes after the current went down where she was. She stood highest where she dwells wondering what will it be this time. She can’t make anyone else see what her fate was. She has to see it with her own eyes. Staying by the rooftop showed signs of lights from houses afar. They hadn’t had any of what she has. Gazing high, the sky was dark gray again and a distant star stayed lit with from all its worth. 

I’ve conjured a perfect cup of coffee except it’s not anymore coffee because I’ve placed everything i like in it. And after I’ve drank all of it, I remembered the cinnamon.

anything way past my bedtime

(here, written, is anything random that’s running through my head. mind i take note now before my time runs out and it all wanders off to nowhere)

If I am perfectly accurate, there is at least a week before the exam results swerves up to the news and start blaring it to every single being that has been dreading it from the moment they stepped out shaking from their exam rooms, including me. I had my share of fun. Fun that is defined by the first painstaking day after the exams where I didn’t know what to do because every negative thought kept building up in my head until I snapped (not what you think) and continuing on to this very night where, again, I find it hard to sleep.

I want to try drawing like a kid again. Who cares if it happens to be an abstract figure of a landscape. Seriously. I’d rather make myself preoccupied this coming week rather than being tormented by myself. I want to cook! I wanted to make different pasta dishes. I’ve only made spaghetti and meatballs once. it is a pasta isn’t? I want to try hiking too. Then when I get to the top, I’d have my camera with me. I’d always imagine an amazing view anywhere. And then I’d walk around, just walk maybe, or have a joyride and look for a place to fit in. I mean look for a job. I never thought this part could be really hard. I always picture the part where the interviewer asks questions and I answer with all my deep seated unspoken words, not the seeking part. It never has happened because I seem to have acquired the stupidity of not being able to properly open an office door. Oh well.

My plans seem to always get stuck for some reason. Some tend to wither away though some still grow back. I do wish they all grow back and save me from sinking more in my made-up pit. I hope I’d be able to accomplish something this time. Now that I feel like I’m just going to grab anything that would take my mind off what is keeping me awake this long.

I’m going to write more too.

TAGS: THOUGHT  AUGUST 14 PAST MIDNIGHT  

my review days was covered with scribbled medical terms and numbers on post-its. 

future

is a road made to look like a fork

reaching out in all directions with
uncertainties that may cripple a step or two

the direction that this road will go is where

you'll learn and keep precious words to ponder

make each breath that will make you hold

where you will gaze up to the highest peak
wondering how far it would go

and after much thinking and struggling

you will make a huge step after all

insomnia note #1