Sunday, October 16, 2011

brave

I need a reason to be here. I need to know why I haven’t called home after all this time just to say I need to get out of this messed-up city. I need to know why I still haven’t broken down into tears after looking out the window of this kind of reality. Why did I choose this path full of turns and detours and tunnels with missing lights? It always feels like going through uncertainties. Tell me one good reason why I’m making this risk.

My truth flares inside of me. This room I’m in is like my safety shell. The truth is it scares me every time I break out of it. It scares me that every time I do, I wouldn’t find a way back. That every time I do, I’d think, sit still, stare, disappointed for more reasons. I’m even scared of people and everything else.

I must be brave. Because for some reason, even if it scares me, I still manage to step out of my door and watch what happens next. All my doubts and negative thoughts tend to disappear as walk away from my safety. The odd feeling in my stomach remains but as I continue trekking a new path, it fades away. For some reason, the feeling of going through something is better than moping in a silent room. For some reason, it feels a whole lot better learning how to survive out in the dark.

here i am being taught how to be independent.

This scares me a lot. Most of the time, I’m alone, thinking again, what step I’d do next. I’ve had this thoughts ever since I moved in a big city. Soon I’m going to be physically alone feeling more gloomier than I was waiting and searching for my fate.

uncovering reality

2 weeks ago, I moved in a big city. It greeted me with it’s tall buildings, strange heat from the sun, honking cars and buses, and messed up traffic. Soon I realized how hard and expensive it is to move from one place to another. Soon I realized how it costs to live.

I’ve walked on foot bridges so many times, just now I’ve had the odd creepy feeling while walking on it whenever I look down the passing cars under it. I’ve experienced riding the the train packed with people, pushing myself in so I could get home sooner. I’ve walked and stood more than I used too giving me a fair share of blisters for my feet. I’ve got to give the sun more credit this time for always being there to bring out more sweat in everyone.

Everything might be a challenge here. Because later on I start to wonder how people live in this kind of noisy crowded place. Everything seems so fast, so alive, you need to keep up. Every single day, waking up to the same routine of bumpy buses, speedy jeeps and smoke.

Today, I stared at traveling windows again. I’ve taken pleasure in watching where a train goes more often. This time, I gazed at the towering buildings lit up for the night. It was getting dark and I wish I was back home, where I need not go too far. On the last train stop, finally, I went off, and started on another walk along the semi-dark pavement. I watched the line of buses waiting on its passengers and looked beyond where the other buses were going. For a moment as i walked on another foot bridge, I watched another amazing view as all the vehicles trailed away to making a united river of tail lights. Then I switched back to reality to go after the next two rides home.

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There must be a reason to be here. Why everything seems not to take a break even for fresh air. Why everywhere I go, there’s a new route somewhere else to see. Why every turn, there’s a new place too get lost to, a new jeepney ride to remember. Why people continue on, moving, living…

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

  • don’t hurry up. there will be a time when success becomes yours.
  • but don’t go too slow. be assertive.
  • don’t get eaten by your negative feelings. they’re just feelings!
  • if you kept getting bothered by your thoughts, do something about it.
  • waiting sucks, but sometimes it might be worth it.
  • always have faith especially in yourself
  • continue learning and keep going
there’s this moment when you thought you’ve met reality face to face, but the truth is, you haven’t even scratched it yet.
-learned thoughts

side note: plan for the worst. hope for the best.

step four: meet people and meet reality.

unplanned step three: survive the detours.