I've decided to read the book I found (thanks to the internet) and get lost in it.

hello...

Christmas Eve

For the first time, I spent this day away from my family. Apparently I'm still stuck in a big city that doesn't seem to be closest to home whatever way I adapt to look at it.

A few hours on Christmas eve, I bid my time in a long ride in a jeepney from Laguna to Alabang and to Taguig. I watched for a fragment of time how different kinds of people prepare for this special day. A tightly knit family was spending it in a mall, two dressed ladies must be on their way to be with their friends, a guy must be drunk since he can't get off the jeep properly. From afar, there's another kind of family making their way through a market and then there's a tall man seemingly off from work waiting to get a ride back home. You can't miss the people still on the streets at such time, selling Christmas things to people that pass by or blaring lights and sounds in a random house celebrating.

This time, I didn't have a feast like my childhood days, or played the speakers on our computer with Christmas songs just to feel the spirit. No moments of getting comfortable in my home cozy in a chair near the TV. My family is so far from where I'm at. The people I spend this day with aren’t present.

I arrived home tired from a long journey. It's already past 10 on my watch. The neighbors had their turn of loudspeakers to bring out a festive cheer. The children were glad lighting their own tiny piece of fireworks that wouldn't explode. There seems to be more people outside singing along with a karaoke, a group hung up on their corner drinking and a few brought out their prepared food outside for everyone.

I didn't think a lot. I didn't even want to think and feel anything. Like I said, I've given up asking for things that wouldn't happen. I made myself a dish, ate a small portion and have the internet tire me to sleep.

Christmas

Sound of cheers
Were repeated
For a number of times
Today but
I see just letters
And words formed
To force a bright smile
On someone’s face
It’s too early for fireworks
But the lights were pretty
For any wishing heart
That longs to be merry
Music blared in every
Corner you’d pass
Giving justice for
Any loud kind of posse
But today I settled staring
At the busy streets and
People with their
Own plans for one kind
Of season of feast
Today I just settled my
Wishing heart for a
Generous bowl of
My own dish

To The Sky - Owl City

I basically cried on this song. I can't tell why because I might do it again. >_<

someone like you in my head

Once again, the familiar notes from a piano filled my silent room and all of a sudden, it's become heavy where I sat.  Thinking of the string of words that made the song, it just played on and on and it seems longer than I used to hear. The hair on my arms stand on its end.

                       I heard that you're settled down... 
                                               that you found a girl and--

                         I heard that your dreams came true...

There was this day when you were going on with your life, doing what you used to do, taking things by steps, there will always come a time when you uncover something that changes your mood, and your thoughts for the entire day. This time, it's the truth about the things you thought would always be what is used to be. A face has just revealed itself. That reality changes everything. And there, right in front you, is something treasured that is bidding itself goodbye.

                                  I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited...
                     But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it...

Now must be the time do something you've never done. Be in to his life again. Say hi and hello and wish that everything was what it was before. Let him feel your presence once more. The presence you've missed from him was something you couldn't just leave alone. The last thing you could possibly do is wave your hand in his face and say that you still exist.

                   I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
                               That for me, it isn't over....

Now you have written a thousand words just to get him back (or maybe get him out of your mind.) You write and write the most beautiful letters that you could have said to him. Now you knew the words you were supposed to say, but you know deep inside they will remain on scraps of paper scattered all over you. You were wrong in that attempt to reach him again. Because today, he's different.

                             Nevermind, I'll find someone like you...

                                  I wish nothing but the best, for you too....

                                               
                          Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-...

Regret, denial, and bargaining. All these just to ease what's left of you. The memories will remain as broken pieces of glass that you can't get rid off, where every time you try to feel, you will get hurt.

                    Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

                         Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead,...

 I've had enough of this song stuck in my head for a week. Stop.

Bakit

Hindi ko maintindihn kung bakit tila sa lahat ng tanong na gamit ko, ang ‘bakit’ ang pinakamadalas. Tuwing nasa isang lugar kung saan maraming tao o kahit nagiisa sa aking kwarto, ako’y nagtatanong, bakit ganito? Bakit ganyan?

Ngayon ko lang napagisipan, tila wala naman ito masyadong katuturan. Ano ba ang silbi ng aking pagtatanong kung hindi naman ito lahat masasagot? 

Pero minsan naman, kung tatanungin ka ng ‘bakit’ na tanong, may maisasagot ka naman. Ngunit meron kang sobrang daming dahilan na nanaisin mo na lamang na hindi sabihin ang mga ito upang maging simple nalang ang lahat. 

Bakit ka malungkot? Wala. Nararamdaman ko lang sya nang walang dahilan.

dose of my medicine

There are so many ways to receive a heart. It may be because it’s Valentines Day or it’s a random day and someone is infatuated to you all of a sudden, or it can happen at both instances. The heart shape must have gone a long way from making someone feel fuzzy inside since it was invented. Right now, it's not really fuzzy.

I'm sick but I can’t be sick. This is denial defined at it’s best. I can’t take the fact that my blood pressure had skyrocketed to 160/100 mm Hg all of a sudden. The normal value is only 120/80 mm Hg, just so you know.

Blood pressure is the force exerted by the blood against the walls of the arteries during contraction of the heart. To know such definition by…heart wouldn’t really help me at all. This is bad for me because the doctor can’t take it (like I do) and he can’t clear me to work. So I’m left with my own dose of medicine.

The heart I had today was a tiny tablet prescribed to me. The little hearts must look really cute from someone else point of view but not mine. It means I may be at risk from a long list of heart diseases that stem out from hypertension. But I’m too young to have hypertension. I'm too young! But like a good patient, I'm now willing to submit to a bland diet and take my this annoying heart things as ordered. >_<

what my actual medicine looks like with scribbles. :)

If today was Valentine’s Day, it would be so awesome taking a heart-shaped medicine for my actual heart. With sarcasm.

how can someone be obsessed with the thought of love? how can someone believe in what it is, define it by her own string of thoughts and make it something so true and beautiful that it seems like she’s been through it even if not?

i can’t entirely hold on to love because i’m not whole. i can’t complete my work, finish this picture, see a much clearer view. i wonder if there would be one person that could help me completely define these thoughts.

Stereotyped Nurse

People should stop stereotyping nurses. But it can’t be helped when most of the reasons why a high school graduate chooses to take a difficult four year course of Nursing was to get herself somewhere else than the Philippines and earn better.

I wasn’t thinking about that part a lot. I didn’t know what to do back then in high school. I was clueless, indecisive and scared. I haven't exactly made a framework for my life. So I just listened to my mother and my encouraging uncle and took the course I never thought would change me.

The truth is, I don’t want to go anywhere right now. I can’t just go abroad and be rich, as my mother says. Being that seems a blur and I can’t take it. It sounds dark and gloomy because I’m going to be sent to some far off place, alone for the sake of some things. I can’t grasp the thought of putting that as part of my dreams. When I told my mother this, she was upset that I’d be okay being just what I am right now, taking my steps slowly and not looking and running toward the a ‘bright’ future she sees ahead of me.

I feel contentment. I haven't exactly understood the concept of people working hard for the sake of getting rich. It seems pointless and endless. As humans, we do keep asking for a lot of things, and when we finally get hold of that thing, there will be a time when the object will wear us out and we'll get tired and look for something else. I'm the person who thinks there are much real things to keep.

I don’t have those expensive things my batch mates show-off every time I go to school. Yes I do want those things, clothes, gadgets, and what-else, but the crave is dead so long ago. I’ve been contented with the fact that I can’t have everything that I want. I really do. Yeah, I complain a lot about it but it just ends there and nothing else. I’m just this, plain shirt and pants, and I don’t want to ask anything anymore since I feel like can’t really have it and having it doesn’t exactly mean true happiness.

Is this bad? People taught me to always dream big. Always hold on to a dream and you will get it. I seem to have not let these words sink in to me. It’s like I’ve given up on a big dream and go contented on little ones. What is my dream?

My dream, if I could remember well, was finish college, find a job that I’d be happy with, help my family, own a dream house and travel places. I’ve said this when I was like in a retreat back in elementary. It sounds so good. Well thought of. No specifics. Just that. I’ve done the college part. Great.

Next is find a job I’d be happy in. This part is difficult now. Because one, I haven’t found a job yet. But I 'm on my way on it having passed my very first job interview in a hospital. Two, I’ve had this idea or something that the only way you’d be happy with your work is when you like what you do and people in that workplace keep inspiring you. Where do I find this place?

You see. I might be really lost right now. I just want to be good at what I’d be doing soon. Being a nurse. That’s just it. I want to be a good nurse.

The Key Dilemma

I had a messed up moment today. I just locked my keys inside a room.

I don't have any spare keys. I was trying to be really calm even if I had no idea which room I locked it into since there are two rooms I just locked.

So I decided to check on the window of the first room. Just my luck, it was right there lying innocently on my bed. The window I was peering in was some 7 feet high so I needed to stand on three chairs.

Now what do I do.

I looked around the house, still staying unbelievably calm, and found a hanger and a rope. I wished it would work then but the hanger kept missing the friggin' keys!

Next plan comes with a mop. This is good. I'd pretend I'm fishing though I never really done that before. It didn't work. The hanger was always askew and still kept missing the blasted keys.

Next, I've had this better idea of putting something extra sticky on something and let the keys get stuck on it. It wasn't gum that I found but some weird duct tape I found lying around. I placed in on a spatula from the kitchen. It worked but it didn't because as I was pulling the rope, the stubborn keys was dragged inside the blanket I just crumpled like a paper this morning.

I'm going to set this blanket on fire.

Sweat and dirt I was, I went back to the hanger and swung it on the blanket so it gets hooked on it and the damn keys would reappear. Cursing, I saw the keys again.

Now, the keys are much bit closer than it used to, I used the hanger to get it and got rid of the spatula. And there, hanging in mid-air on the hanger's hook tied to a rope and looped in a filthy mop were my good keys.

Don't think I lost it again. I got it finally.

someone like you

it can't be helped that
one day,
i'd be singing a song for you
a song i wish i sung to you

for words were the first
tiny drops that had
encased the depths of
my soul
your words were the strings
that that tied me on a balloon
watched myself soar
these words were the music
that kept playing on
with my thoughts

it can't be helped that
one day,
i'd be singing a song for you
a song i wish i sung to you

A deliberate sharing about what I think love was

I met love so long ago. I never knew. He was just there waving his hands on my face, giving me a sweet smile before we depart and whispers mushy thoughts I pretend not to hear. I can’t believe too much. It must be too good to be true.

Love is intoxicating. It makes you hold on to thoughts of forever with faint feelings of doubt. It’s that utter happiness that deprives you of a goodnight’s sleep. There’s this stare you make, unconsciously, watching love carry on and it doesn’t have a clue until he tries to look your way. But before that, love just carries on the usual and you, for some reason, find it more fascinating than usual to watch.

You grin once he calls your name, and try your hardest not to let him know what your eyes are trying to say. There was that brief moment, you look at each other’s eyes, just that and it’s so weird because it was a stare that felt too long. Questions started building up your head wondering what love was thinking. Papers rustled, wind blew across the room and pens scratched their desks. And then time starts again with questions hanging in the air.

November 6, 2011 

now what--