a blue flame blazed
lit with warmth for
a person who've grown cold
weary amongst the earth
he trekked and went
but the fire finally bent
when years passed
time never noticed
and it left him curled up
in a black pile of ashes
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Traffic Jam
So calm and so composed, I rode my way through the chaotic traffic this morning. The jeep was moving too slowly and the cars are honking at every chance they get. And all the other vehicles are at their slowest pace I haven’t yet seen. Deep inside my intestines, I feel like I’m about to explode because I’m going to be late for the first time in the worst time.
There were three long roads I’d have to excruciatingly go through every time I go to work. The first one was the longest time I spent myself in because this time, it was unbelievably messed up with all kinds of vehicles skewed and blocking every space they could get into. The end result was me pleading and praying on every negative thought that I’d get to work in time. As the jeep I rode has finally made it on the next route, it was moderately slow, and that slight change in pace made me breathe a little bit easier. But as I looked at my watch, I actually have 10 minutes left. The third road was the part I felt like racing, begging for anything that I could teleport or run my way through.
I should have left the house earlier. I wish I wasn't asking to be a late too much. I wish my cousin didn't state that I was going to be late without enough justification because her words was ringing in my head the moment I left the house. I hope I've set my watch in advance mode or I do hope it's broken. I wish it wasn't Thursday. I wish all the other cars would shrink. I wish the jeep would go a wee bit faster!
As I got off the jeep, I ran all the way to the hospital gates, panting and trying to breathe, taking all positivity left of me while zooming towards the bundy clock. To my biggest dismay, I was 5 minutes late.
All was fairly well in the end.
There were three long roads I’d have to excruciatingly go through every time I go to work. The first one was the longest time I spent myself in because this time, it was unbelievably messed up with all kinds of vehicles skewed and blocking every space they could get into. The end result was me pleading and praying on every negative thought that I’d get to work in time. As the jeep I rode has finally made it on the next route, it was moderately slow, and that slight change in pace made me breathe a little bit easier. But as I looked at my watch, I actually have 10 minutes left. The third road was the part I felt like racing, begging for anything that I could teleport or run my way through.
I should have left the house earlier. I wish I wasn't asking to be a late too much. I wish my cousin didn't state that I was going to be late without enough justification because her words was ringing in my head the moment I left the house. I hope I've set my watch in advance mode or I do hope it's broken. I wish it wasn't Thursday. I wish all the other cars would shrink. I wish the jeep would go a wee bit faster!
As I got off the jeep, I ran all the way to the hospital gates, panting and trying to breathe, taking all positivity left of me while zooming towards the bundy clock. To my biggest dismay, I was 5 minutes late.
All was fairly well in the end.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
the Brisk Walk
This day was the second day of my duty for our ICT training. The first day wasn’t much of a highlight because we just played as sponges observing all that’s currently happening in the tumultuous LMU and absorbing all the new information. Just so you know, LMU stands for La Milagrosa Unit. It’s the biggest unit in the hospital I’m currently in and also labeled as the most toxic area. Toxic, in nursing jargon, means you-will-never-have-a-chance-to-sit-down-on-yous-ass-because-there-will-always-be-too-much-things-to-do-so-don’t-forget-to-breathe.
For today, I didn’t just watch my senior do his stuff but I was to help him and accompany him to whatever he has to do. He was actually very good at what he was doing. I was overwhelmed with the pile of patient charts in front of him, and as he works through each of them, he makes specific calls to related departments either to ask about diagnostics or a need for reservation for the operating room. He zooms across the station getting the needed pile of documents while noting down doctor’s orders, while given a chance explains to me what he was trying to do, then noting things on the kardex and the charts. After much writing and discussing, he moves to prepare all the medicines for all his patients where he performs really quickly without any hesitations. Then he walks through the corridors of the huge unit, making it through each of the patients rooms accordingly to give them their treatments, ask how the patients is, remind them if they need to fast for a surgery or they can’t void until they undergo a diagnostic procedure. These entire is not yet even the whole thing I went through.
The shift was a sprint. It was basically walking to and fro in the long halls of the hospital in a very fast pace and doing the tasks promptly like some sort of relay. I practically did the brisk walk a lot so as not to run in the hospital hallways making an impression that there’s someone coding. But whatever type of walking or pseudo-running I did, it resulted with ending up sleeping on my bed as soon as I get home and sleep-walking towards my confused cousin to whom I was half-consciously asking for food that didn't exist.
For today, I didn’t just watch my senior do his stuff but I was to help him and accompany him to whatever he has to do. He was actually very good at what he was doing. I was overwhelmed with the pile of patient charts in front of him, and as he works through each of them, he makes specific calls to related departments either to ask about diagnostics or a need for reservation for the operating room. He zooms across the station getting the needed pile of documents while noting down doctor’s orders, while given a chance explains to me what he was trying to do, then noting things on the kardex and the charts. After much writing and discussing, he moves to prepare all the medicines for all his patients where he performs really quickly without any hesitations. Then he walks through the corridors of the huge unit, making it through each of the patients rooms accordingly to give them their treatments, ask how the patients is, remind them if they need to fast for a surgery or they can’t void until they undergo a diagnostic procedure. These entire is not yet even the whole thing I went through.
The shift was a sprint. It was basically walking to and fro in the long halls of the hospital in a very fast pace and doing the tasks promptly like some sort of relay. I practically did the brisk walk a lot so as not to run in the hospital hallways making an impression that there’s someone coding. But whatever type of walking or pseudo-running I did, it resulted with ending up sleeping on my bed as soon as I get home and sleep-walking towards my confused cousin to whom I was half-consciously asking for food that didn't exist.
one particular valentine's day
I’ve been high-fived and spoken to by random people I don’t usually speak with. I can’t remember when was the last time I was in a place where almost every guy would high-five anybody when they think you both agree on something. What’s strange was I tend to have acquired this reflex that when they raise their hand, I instinctively do the same like some automatic response. Now, being around these different people doesn’t make me feel any tinge of any kind of new emotion anymore. Again, I can’t feel a thing, synonymous to almost being numb from everything, except being hungry and being randomly happy when someone attempts to do something funny. But if I take another look at this day, I remember the strongest emotion I felt was randomly talking about this new friend I met somewhere that made my stomach feel like there’s a knot inside. That was weird. For some reason, I feel like being friends with him don’t seem like a good idea but I still did. I need to figure this out.
Monday, February 13, 2012
today was grey
so the earth was spotted with murky puddles
and I settled walking under an umbrella
then stayed indoors and danced
took a new dose of laughter
drank coffee after a long time
and sang until I can't remember the lyrics
and I settled walking under an umbrella
then stayed indoors and danced
took a new dose of laughter
drank coffee after a long time
and sang until I can't remember the lyrics
Sunday, February 5, 2012
what love can’t cure
nights in crumpled sheets
she lie staring upon a screen
scattered with hushed glances
and thought out schemes
a song starts to spill the background
flocked with ringing keys
piano notes starts to linger
as she tries not to be teased
conversations now recurs
and his voice begins to play
of words said and meant
sprawled out on one fateful day
she remembers the blatant gaze
where his eyes never turned away
at chance he held her hands in his
and a distinct beat chose to stray
while she watched the screen evolve
lying once again in crumpled sheets
a trace of a familiar grin
starts to line across her cheeks
--majest, Feb5,2012 11:38PM
she lie staring upon a screen
scattered with hushed glances
and thought out schemes
a song starts to spill the background
flocked with ringing keys
piano notes starts to linger
as she tries not to be teased
conversations now recurs
and his voice begins to play
of words said and meant
sprawled out on one fateful day
she remembers the blatant gaze
where his eyes never turned away
at chance he held her hands in his
and a distinct beat chose to stray
while she watched the screen evolve
lying once again in crumpled sheets
a trace of a familiar grin
starts to line across her cheeks
--majest, Feb5,2012 11:38PM
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
positivity+realism
tiny grains of
realizations wash over me
up to the ends of
my fingertips
as i grasp
and hold
and try to catch
every single detail
they slip right through
the gaps
now as i look around
they start to shine and sparkle
where i stood
waiting and watching
to what move i might do
i scoop the tiny things
gingerly now
and keep them safely
in my hands
realizations wash over me
up to the ends of
my fingertips
as i grasp
and hold
and try to catch
every single detail
they slip right through
the gaps
now as i look around
they start to shine and sparkle
where i stood
waiting and watching
to what move i might do
i scoop the tiny things
gingerly now
and keep them safely
in my hands
Monday, January 30, 2012
A rooftop lets me get drowned in the perfect blue sky, embrace the soothing wind and wander into the abyss without anyone staring or listening. I stand with my arms spread and pretend I'm on the edge of a cliff where all I could trace is the outline of the mountains and trees that seemed close enough to reach. I look up, loving the view because all I could see is the clouds afloat, birds enjoying their freedom from the earth and the infinite strokes and colors trying to play a new hue. I watch as everything changes before my eyes.
Monday
I’m losing myself. I’m failing, lost in the grey area, where few people tend to notice. I’m torn between changing myself to fit in to a new kind of place and trying to prove some worth. I can’t seem to be able to do both. My long journey home triggered the black hole that keeps sucking every positive thought that I could muster.
Jan30,2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Best feeling so far
I just made it through a code simulation alive! It was packed with a good dose of adrenaline that triggered the sympathetic in my system that wasn’t much used for a long time.
The code simulation was much like what you get to see in the series of Grey’s Anatomy where a patient goes cardiac arrest, the cardiac monitor beeps furiously and the code team rushes in and tries to revive the patient to normal.
The feeling was amazing! Even if it was just a simulation, there was time pressure and I needed to familiarize myself with algorithms and ECG tracings and the medicine needed based on what heart rhythm the patient is giving. It was a huge challenge on my part since it was my first time and I’ve never actually seen such situation face to face. Now I am looking at it, and it brought chills in me, actually scared me a little, but yet it was some kind of opportunity to learn and do something new.
My bloopers, though awkward in many levels, keep repeating in my head and I vowed to never do them again. It was hilarious that during my turn as the one to give ventilation, I couldn’t figure out what to do with the things brought out in front of me. The bag-valve-mask was some sort of alien gadget that I attached the parts wrong with my hands shaking. Looking back at it makes me laugh because I must have looked really stupid but I did it anyway. (haha)
So going through, when it was then my turn as a Team Leader, I thought it was the best part. I actually want to do it again. The team leader was the one who analyzes the cardiac monitor whether the patient is having supraventricular tachycardia, ventricular fibrillation, or maybe going through an asystole. These are big words and I love to say them. After correctly stating what kind of heart rhythm the patient is having, I quickly make a decision to assess if the patient has a pulse (the dummy patient actually makes a pulse!) and note if it is stable. Then I go through telling my team if the patient needs to be defibrillated or given a dose of Epinephrine or Adenosine or Atropine. (I’m starting to love the medicines too.) I even get to try intubating the pretend-patient, which I haven’t ever done before (thus the shaking hands).
When the whole thing was done, I couldn’t stop smiling. One because I passed the simulation in one try. Second, because all my team members also passed. All our efforts of practice actually paid off. And by the end of the day, the same team actually won as 3rd best ACLS team!
Until now, I feel really glad! I want to feel again the same thing I felt in the simulation room. And maybe I will if I get myself stationed in the Emergency Room or in the ICU. Maybe I’ll even get to save a life and not just AmbuMan(my first pretend-patient). But for now, I’m just going to wait and see what will come.
The code simulation was much like what you get to see in the series of Grey’s Anatomy where a patient goes cardiac arrest, the cardiac monitor beeps furiously and the code team rushes in and tries to revive the patient to normal.
The feeling was amazing! Even if it was just a simulation, there was time pressure and I needed to familiarize myself with algorithms and ECG tracings and the medicine needed based on what heart rhythm the patient is giving. It was a huge challenge on my part since it was my first time and I’ve never actually seen such situation face to face. Now I am looking at it, and it brought chills in me, actually scared me a little, but yet it was some kind of opportunity to learn and do something new.
My bloopers, though awkward in many levels, keep repeating in my head and I vowed to never do them again. It was hilarious that during my turn as the one to give ventilation, I couldn’t figure out what to do with the things brought out in front of me. The bag-valve-mask was some sort of alien gadget that I attached the parts wrong with my hands shaking. Looking back at it makes me laugh because I must have looked really stupid but I did it anyway. (haha)
So going through, when it was then my turn as a Team Leader, I thought it was the best part. I actually want to do it again. The team leader was the one who analyzes the cardiac monitor whether the patient is having supraventricular tachycardia, ventricular fibrillation, or maybe going through an asystole. These are big words and I love to say them. After correctly stating what kind of heart rhythm the patient is having, I quickly make a decision to assess if the patient has a pulse (the dummy patient actually makes a pulse!) and note if it is stable. Then I go through telling my team if the patient needs to be defibrillated or given a dose of Epinephrine or Adenosine or Atropine. (I’m starting to love the medicines too.) I even get to try intubating the pretend-patient, which I haven’t ever done before (thus the shaking hands).
When the whole thing was done, I couldn’t stop smiling. One because I passed the simulation in one try. Second, because all my team members also passed. All our efforts of practice actually paid off. And by the end of the day, the same team actually won as 3rd best ACLS team!
Until now, I feel really glad! I want to feel again the same thing I felt in the simulation room. And maybe I will if I get myself stationed in the Emergency Room or in the ICU. Maybe I’ll even get to save a life and not just AmbuMan(my first pretend-patient). But for now, I’m just going to wait and see what will come.
Friday, January 27, 2012
untitled
traces of you
form the lines and scent
of the beginning and an end
a hint of your smile
strums the beat of a heart
where the wind doesn’t make
reasons for you to ask
and the colors of the sky
remains a perfect art
remember the time when
I sat next to you and listened
as you were spilling words
wandering how people are what they are
while you created stories and poetry
and grinning through your ears
I said something
and you laughed
form the lines and scent
of the beginning and an end
a hint of your smile
strums the beat of a heart
where the wind doesn’t make
reasons for you to ask
and the colors of the sky
remains a perfect art
remember the time when
I sat next to you and listened
as you were spilling words
wandering how people are what they are
while you created stories and poetry
and grinning through your ears
I said something
and you laughed
Saturday, January 21, 2012
The Trail
Letters sprawled across the road
Like crumbs of bread still untouched
It contains dreams and endless thoughts
And wishful clouds that could float
It has drawings of a sunset bay
And laughter in a familiar place
It holds prayers in several scrawls
Holding distinct characters in made up plays
I looked back and stopped my tracks
And gazed how it leads towards my feet
And if I strain to look far back
I cannot see the other end where I start
Now I’m holding my words and yours
Even if pieces of it lay on the road
Its parts are waiting for you to find
Speaking to you among its lines
But you must have found a new trail
Or you can’t find my way
Because the trail seems too far behind
And has its end already gone
Like crumbs of bread still untouched
It contains dreams and endless thoughts
And wishful clouds that could float
It has drawings of a sunset bay
And laughter in a familiar place
It holds prayers in several scrawls
Holding distinct characters in made up plays
I looked back and stopped my tracks
And gazed how it leads towards my feet
And if I strain to look far back
I cannot see the other end where I start
Now I’m holding my words and yours
Even if pieces of it lay on the road
Its parts are waiting for you to find
Speaking to you among its lines
But you must have found a new trail
Or you can’t find my way
Because the trail seems too far behind
And has its end already gone
Friday, January 20, 2012
Musings
The people around me have spoken. They speak of wisdom that goes along the lines of commitment to a person they believe would be their person forever. They tell stories, rarely heard by my keen ears, where happiness and loneliness collide, overcome trials are called success, and the mere thought of having a someone even if it is far away feels better than no one. A bunch of them hold on to these ties for they have lived with it. It taught them things I seem to have failed to learn. It is being committed to love.
I have not yet been lost or lead to such musings. Thus, I'm doubtful, wondering, questioning what. However, I am curious, and has this utter urge to venture on these like sailing in uncharted waters.
How do you define it? How do you set directions to find what you must seek and know if you've finally found what you are looking for? How can you know what envelopes it's entities when the only way you can answer all your questions is actually live in it?
I have not yet been lost or lead to such musings. Thus, I'm doubtful, wondering, questioning what. However, I am curious, and has this utter urge to venture on these like sailing in uncharted waters.
How do you define it? How do you set directions to find what you must seek and know if you've finally found what you are looking for? How can you know what envelopes it's entities when the only way you can answer all your questions is actually live in it?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
How To Train An Introvert
I've been having a good time this week though it mostly is composed of didactic lectures and trying hard not to sleep in the middle of a speaker's speech.
But the other portion of the last few days was the best since I just met a whole bunch of people again and made new friends. They are of different kinds, ranging from the downright bubbly, to the another type of chatterbox, to the plain hyper.
Then, I have this unnerving fear of what is to come. Since I finally got myself in a hospital, they've flooded my head with various rules and regulations, policies and instructions, and some points I need to remember the moment I finally do my part.
Still, I feel really excited, looking forward for tomorrow because it's another day of new things to learn where there'd be nice people I'd be with through the whole thing. :)
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