Somebody feels lost today

Deep in painted walls

Where there’s drawn memories

Songs and letters scrawled

i have this unnerving fear of not being able to fit anywhere because i can't explain if i'm happy, numb, or just annoyed. 6.21.12

The awesome research team!

Always moving forward and bounded by the same path.

Hope we get Best Thesis!

Go Group 3!

never tasted so sweet

take that one sip

let it glide within your soul

tingling your inner depths

blurring thoughts 

and creating a dark hole 

you realize, it wasn't that bad

now shout your cheers

watch the golden fluid

fill your glass full

then drink it all
until traces of it disappears

raw emptiness

may start to linger

and play with your throat

muster

to fill the glass

to fill it up again

and again
and again

until you can see yourself 

gleaming and smiling
golden and anew

it wasn't that bad

take big gulps

keep drinking the unknown

straight up so you wouldn't feel

what's left when its done

they wouldn't recognize you

when every drop

seems sweeter

seems better

than it used to

Dream Car

I attended this public speaking workshop recently thanks to one hospital (the one I’m waiting to get hired in) who never fails to give me surprises and anything you’d relate about trying to live. The last statement is something to figure out.

It was so much fun. I remembered when I was back in my high school, I’m part of speech and drama club then it became a speaker’s bureau. The speech and drama club loves to conduct speech and dramatic workshops in which I much enjoyed way back because of all its activities. So, having attended again in quite a familiar place made me glad. 

The speakers or must I say facilitators were very excellent especially the one guy who really stands out the moment he starts speaking. I was so amused with his manners of speaking, it lead me back to square one. I wished I was fluent and articulate in speaking like he does. 

One activity in the workshop was an individual impromptu-not extemporaneous as they claim-of a topic one has to pick from inside a bag of doom. Perfect.

Of all the topics I could have, I got a topic about a dream car. (read above) I stood in front, stiff and nerve-wracked. I had no idea what I’m supposed to say. What did I say?

I started my speech enumerating a few cars that I knew. (What am I saying?) Then asked the audience what i’m talking about. Then I greeted them a pleasant afternoon. Then I said my topic. After that, all hell breaks loose. I jumbled and mumbled, stammered and buckled all the things in my head. The only decent thing I must have said was, I needed a car that could take me anywhere. Then I ran to the back of the room and crawled under a chair. Kidding. 

Things I think I should have said:

What is my dream car?

For one, my dream car has to fit at least 8 people in it. Because I need to put all family members in it and a few friends and I can even include an extra person if there will be one. So it has to be a big one.  And the hood, or, what-do-they-call-it, the roof of the car can be modified to fall back so that I can enjoy the wind and the sky whenever I drive. Then it has to have huge wheels. The ones where you can drive over a terrain or a rocky road. It has to withstand those kinds of roads because I think that’s where I’m mostly going. Then it has to have speakers in it so I could play music whenever I’m stressed. And it has to have a tracking GPS device so I won’t get lost. It also has to have an unlimited internet connection in it so I could never loose connection with the world. The most important part of this car is that, I want it to be the one to take me to places I’ve never been to. I want it to take me where I've dreamed of wanting to see. I want it to be the one to show me the things I needed to learn. And I want all my favorite people to be in it. And these are the people that I’d never regret to travel with. :)

What I stammer in speech, I fluently speak when I write. >_<

Left

just heard you’re leaving
i just heard
from all other voices
and dire words written
i never knew
and they just tell me
you’re leaving
you should have left long ago
when ties weren’t that tight
and i don’t dream of bay walks
sunsets, leftovers and strolls at night
now i should feel i will lose you
that i’ll have nothing left
that i’ll stop looking at the sky
and stop writing random scrawls
but i just don’t think
neutral and numb
because i just heard you’re leaving
i never bothered to know
never thought i’d try to ask
you’ve left long ago
i never heard

i'm back and here's a random post

today, i’m officially 21 years old. I spent it with people that I was sure could keep me smiling the entire day. They were my dearest friends. 

I haven’t seen them for a long time because I got sent off to a far away stinky place. Being back spending a day with these people again brought me back to life. Never have I laughed so hard before for such a long time. Never sang the same songs over and over again as we take turns singing a korean happy birthday song (saengil chukha hamnida) because we kept giving each other last song syndrome.  I loved the freedom of this day. I loved the beach and the sky and everything else. I loved the food we resourcefully created. I loved the random laughter and conversations and our dreams. I love these people so much. :)

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

now now you're just somebody that i used to know

raves and rants

I'm a stubborn person. I just realized. How on earth am I supposed to achieve anything if I'm so stubborn? There exists an unwritten rule that says you can't be somebody if you are mediocre. You can't be somebody if you choose to not be a glittering achiever. You will remain unnoticed, growing mushrooms in a far corner, unless you step up and push your way just to prove your worth. I'm tired and stubborn. I'm tired of trying to prove my worth. I don't want to prove anything anymore. I can't define what it's worth. What do I have to prove on the first place? Why do I need to be somebody? Why? Just so I can have a place in the crowd? Just so some people would be happy? So that I could be happy? Happy, for a little while that is. What is wrong with me? I refuse to conform to unwritten rules against mediocrity unless my life depended on it. There, I said it. I'm trying to learn how to live. Let people claim their stands and trophies. Let them keep their head up so high. Let them walk amongst the corridors, exclaiming their shining robes of superiority. They deserve it. They deserve it well. They will keep me inspired until my stubborness gets defeated by unnerving regret.

>_<

Tomorrow and Graduation Day

Tomorrow was the same day of my graduation last year. The same day where I received my diploma, and made a bow before the crowd. The same where I thought the food, the fireworks and my family and friends were the only best thing.

That same fateful day triggered a new beginning of my life. It’s the part where I no longer qualify as college student but someone armed with new responsibilities and more strains or must I say strings of challenges to face. Someone you’d label as an adult, though without a job yet, but still. Its the moment when I get to sail in uncharted waters known as reality and try my hardest to push through its uncertainties and storms. That day, I was on my own, given the power to make life decisions which I haven’t had the slightest clue to what would resolve.

Tomorrow, to the oddest circumstances, is the same day where a group of uncertain people will deliberate whether or not I am fit to work for them. I’ve luckily made it through their exams. I’ve experienced being grilled in their panel interview and a series more where I made it through alive. Now, having passed the latter so far, I qualified for their 2-months of training. The same which I didn’t look at so seriously until I’ve waltzed through their objective exams and hand-on exams on skills I haven’t had a clue before. Then there’s the on-the-job-sort-of-exam itself where I get to practice my profession on an actual clinical area.  I admit I was rough around the edges, with everything blaring at my face—diagnostics, exams, charts, medications, time, patients, people telling me to remember this and that and I must move faster—I have no idea how I pulled through. I was scared for some reasons, since it's my first time to actually work but had this feeling of happiness whenever I get a job done. The last week, however, was the worst because I’ve never been humiliated so much. Mistake upon mistake, they fall from my grasp, and there were two staffs, who for the worst time, keeps distracting me in every moment they lay eyes on me, laughing at my mistakes and challenging my patience in whatever way. I swore, I would stop their mocking the next time I see them. They were actually one of my eye openers to something with regards to humans, telling me that some people aren’t nice in whatever way you strain to look at them. But looking back at the entire experience of the training, if I sum up every single thing I've been through, I am grateful and thankful that I learned something new.

I hope tomorrow all goes well. I choose to be a believer now. I have faith that I’ve done my best in the training. I pray that this faith I hold will give me a peek on something to look forward to for the coming days.

For some reason, March 30th seems symbolic for one ordinary day. It’s an anniversary of the day I was given excruciating freedom which I’m still trying to get used to. And tomorrow’s event is something to celebrate for with wavering news that might become the next best thing.

kwentong ICT

ngayon lang ako naasar ng todo sa buong talambuhay ko. ngaun lang ako napahiya, pinag-tawanan at pinagtripan. kahit ano man nangyari, kahit ano man ibato nilang pang-asar sa akin ng mga oras na iyon, ako’y pilit paring ngumingiti.  

seryoso. kung ka-level ko lang ang mga taon ninyo, o pag-iisip man lang, kung ituturing ko na kayong mga kaibigan, ipapakita ko sinyo kung gaano ka lupit ang sarkastikong-nilalang na natutulog sa aking kaibuturan. 

kung pwede lang humirit ng, “nakakakita na ba kayo ng lumilipad na chart na gawa sa bakal?” ako hindi pa eh. o, “naranasan nyo na bang mahiwa ang inyong tyan ng isang bandage scissor?” wala lang.

“hostile” na kung hostile! ano ba? kung pwede ko lang kayong sigawan, nagawa ko na. pero mahina pang armas yun. kung meron lamang akong kapangyarihan ni Bertong Badtrip, pinakawalan ko na. buti na lang may pumipigil saakin. 

magpasalamat na lamang kayo at nakangiti pa ako. 

“si maj, nakangiti na naman oh!” tengene..

rebirth

a blue flame blazed
lit with warmth for
a person who've grown cold
weary amongst the earth
he trekked and went
but the fire finally bent
when years passed
time never noticed
and it left him curled up
in a black pile of ashes

Traffic Jam

So calm and so composed, I rode my way through the chaotic traffic this morning. The jeep was moving too slowly and the cars are honking at every chance they get. And all the other vehicles are at their slowest pace I haven’t yet seen. Deep inside my intestines, I feel like I’m about to explode because I’m going to be late for the first time in the worst time.

There were three long roads I’d have to excruciatingly go through every time I go to work. The first one was the longest time I spent myself in because this time, it was unbelievably messed up with all kinds of vehicles skewed and blocking every space they could get into. The end result was me pleading and praying on every negative thought that I’d get to work in time. As the jeep I rode has finally made it on the next route, it was moderately slow, and that slight change in pace made me breathe a little bit easier. But as I looked at my watch, I actually have 10 minutes left. The third road was the part I felt like racing, begging for anything that I could teleport or run my way through.

I should have left the house earlier. I wish I wasn't asking to be a late too much. I wish my cousin didn't state that I was going to be late without enough justification because her words was ringing in my head the moment I left the house. I hope I've set my watch in advance mode or I do hope it's broken. I wish it wasn't Thursday. I wish all the other cars would shrink. I wish the jeep would go a wee bit faster!

As I got off the jeep, I ran all the way to the hospital gates, panting and trying to breathe, taking all positivity left of me while zooming towards the bundy clock. To my biggest dismay, I was 5 minutes late.

All was fairly well in the end.

the Brisk Walk

This day was the second day of my duty for our ICT training. The first day wasn’t much of a highlight because we just played as sponges observing all that’s currently happening in the tumultuous LMU and absorbing all the new information. Just so you know, LMU stands for La Milagrosa Unit. It’s the biggest unit in the hospital I’m currently in and also labeled as the most toxic area. Toxic, in nursing jargon, means you-will-never-have-a-chance-to-sit-down-on-yous-ass-because-there-will-always-be-too-much-things-to-do-so-don’t-forget-to-breathe.

For today, I didn’t just watch my senior do his stuff but I was to help him and accompany him to whatever he has to do. He was actually very good at what he was doing. I was overwhelmed with the pile of patient charts in front of him, and as he works through each of them, he makes specific calls to related departments either to ask about diagnostics or a need for reservation for the operating room. He zooms across the station getting the needed pile of documents while noting down doctor’s orders, while given a chance explains to me what he was trying to do, then noting things on the kardex and the charts. After much writing and discussing, he moves to prepare all the medicines for all his patients where he performs really quickly without any hesitations. Then he walks through the corridors of the huge unit, making it through each of the patients rooms accordingly  to give them their treatments, ask how the patients is, remind them if they need to fast for a surgery or they can’t void until they undergo a diagnostic procedure. These entire is not yet even the whole thing I went through.

The shift was a sprint. It was basically walking to and fro in the long halls of the hospital in a very fast pace and doing the tasks promptly like some sort of relay. I practically did the brisk walk a lot so as not to run in the hospital hallways making an impression that there’s someone coding. But whatever type of walking or pseudo-running I did, it resulted with ending up sleeping on my bed as soon as I get home and sleep-walking towards my confused cousin to whom I was half-consciously asking for food that didn't exist.

with all the fragmented movable entities tied to this tricky game I’m trying to play, designed to make one missed turn make a vast effect on the succeeding turns that will come, what can go wrong?